QUIRKY DAYS

Fear Of The End

2012-01-13T23:35:00.003+05:30

[This is rather long, so please bear with me. If you're tagged, you're meant to read this. If you're not tagged and you've read this, know that the fact that its as public as it is on facebook, you mean something to me and hence you can read it for yourself too. love =) ]

Much has gone down over the last few years. Life, death, and a lot in between. And this very "eventful" last year has left me with a niggling fear instead of a glowing hope. The fear of death.

A couple of my friends know about this, because they're the friends I'm scared to lose. The fact that I've decided to put this out in cyberspace is possibly the most vulnerable I've ever been in my writing. And this decision arises plainly out of the basic premise of my fear.

"And if your plane fell out of the skies, who would you call with your last goodbye?" These lyrics by The Script are what started it a couple of years ago. No, it didn't scare me shitless about flights but it scared me down to my core about dying an untimely death. And this is my major fear - the fear of dying most unexpectedly. A lot of movies supported this. A lot of books added to it. A lot of real life made it concrete - anything can happen and it'll happen when I'm least ready for it.

I live away from my home now. I only go back once in 2 or 3 months and stay only for about 2 weeks at the max. When I'm away from them my only scare is whether I told thme emough that I love them? Did I fight with them too much? Did I make the most of the time I had? And what if I don't survive by the time its time again to meet them?

When I'm with my friends who, like me, are away to study, hugs get a few seconds longer, togetherness becomes paramount and I don't even mind travelling for a whole day just to see 5 people for 25 minutes. But every time I leave, I look back to see them one more time because that may be the only time I may ever get. Maybe one more memory will be made that I'll never get to share.

My street play director, Devika, says "Make memories guys! I'm going to pass out!" We may just meet after she graduates but this also might be the only time we get to know each other, or for that matter, everyone else on the street play cast. All my classmates, especially Adrita, Turni, Yashaswini, Nishtha, Aashita, Chiara, Pallavi and my hostel friends, Avanika, Arpita, Moitryee, Vrinda, Prashanti, Sareba, Roshini, Anagha, Tanya, and my friends in the other section, Raksha, Arunima, and other courses of the college, and almost about everyone else. I may not meet them again because I'll be gone one fine day. My teachers, from nursery to college, from Bangalore to Bombay to Delhi. My seniors. My juniors. The support staff at every institution I've been to. I've entered so many domains that I'm lucky to have seen in such a short time, but instead of being just plain thankful, I'm only fearinga death that is knocking on my mind's door.

I think of people who've touched my life. Ateev, Aeiman, Karan, Aditi, Parth, Tejaswini, Malvika, Tarika, Tanushree, Mugdha, Megha, Bubla, Bhargavi, Vikrant, Ajit, Sach, Archit, Ruchira, Dhrupad, Kritank, Shrey, Rushil, Deepika, Jade Miss, Sultan sir, Jayshree ma'am, and a couple of people from the list above. I think of the fall outs I've had with some of them that have ended the short stints of our friendships. I am saddened by that because I will have died not having fixed something that was ruined. I think of some of the best memories I've shared with any one and everyone of them. I want to just tell them that I love them and care for them with all my heart and I wish them well with their long and fulfilling lives. I revere and respect some of them and all of them on various levels. I'm glad that I could feature in their lives and they could make up huge chapters in mine. If this is the last thing I ever write of such a nature, I hope they'll all read it and know just how much I thank them for their contributions to my life.

And then, finally, I think of my writing. I've shared quite a bit of what I've written and I've poured my heart out [evidently]. Some of it is still undiscovered. I wish I could write more and as much as I can before I die. Its equitable to the amount of love I still have to give. I wish I could just give it all in one shot, but that takes time. I wish for my epitaph to read, "The best never came." Not arrogantly, but apologetically so, because no matter how open-headed I am when it comes to expression, I can never fully give every inch of my being and my thinking.

At the end of it all, if I go tomorrow, I'm just glad I could get this out today. And if I don't, I'll read this everyday till the end comes and answers my fears as positively as can be. This piece was not written to garner any kind of sympathy or any consolation, or seek any sort of attention. This is just me, holding up my biggest fear in front of me and hoping to do everything I can before it gets to me.

Weird World

2012-01-13T23:35:00.000+05:30

My friend's status read "its you against the world and all of its weird ways. Always." Not only did his words ring true with each syllable i read but it reminded me of all the weirdness in my world. A lot of it is secret, some of it is not worth discussing and all of it is thought provoking. Not all weirdness is cherishable. I can look back fondly at classroom jokes and random dancing on the lamest song possible and smile. Some of my friends are the kings and queens of weird and their quirks crack me up and make me miss them at every random instance. But some things don't quite click. Some weird things only irk and bother me. And for those i am sad. I mourn the loss of the frivolous and innocent notions of weirdness.

There are people who will tell you that more often than not, action and intention are separate entities. They are meant to be treated and understood independent of each other. But when it comes to the weirdness of the world we live in, or the world we create for ourselves, action and intention are merged. You can never tell them apart. It'll tear you up trying to make the distinctions but you'd rather lose your sanity than lose your joy trying to set apart two things that were one to begin with. You want to find the good in it. You can't. You want to stake claims, blame who's wrong and preserve what's right. But what is it worth in the end? You against the world is still the equation. No possible addition, deletion, exemption or redemption can change that. Its you. On your own. Its never pretty. Never easy. But you'd rather be that than be the weirdness that can change all equations and reduce you to a delirium that is unending.

My friend is right. This is always.

=D

Loss

2011-12-18T23:19:00.001+05:30

There is a void,
A hole that must be covered again
With all that it contained once before.
So you shovel it all back in.
One memory at a time.
One tear drop to accompany each.

You look at how deep the hole is.
It takes up every ounce of you
To fill each nook and cranny
With tiny things that turned into
Inside jokes and so much more.
But the hole goes deeper down.

You think of things you said
And immediately regretted.
You put them there anyway.
You wish there were somethings
That you had said more than once.
You collect them all and put them away.
You're tired. Lost. Dazed by the light.
Its turned to night.
You'll come back another day to cover
This abyss that's been created.
Searching, but in vain,
For closure. Peace. An end.

Science or Faith

2011-12-13T23:11:00.002+05:30

Try every permutation
Or combination you've been taught,
or that you have in mind,
Till the problem solving
renders you blind.
But you won't succeed.
Your love is driven by greed.
Or so you've been told.

Balance each equation
Till it sears you through.
Check every fraction and
reaction that controls you.
You still won't find the peace you crave.
Your books render you naive.
Or so you've been told.

Push and pull with each machine
but gravity will thrust your love to the floor.
You cannot stand it any more.
But for all your faith in action,
and opposites and attractions,
Keep your faith intact
till you ram into closed doors,
only to be told,
You were warned before.

Getting Personal...

2011-10-07T01:44:00.002+05:30

I haven't posted in a while. And I miss being able to write the quantity I used to. But interestingly, its not how much I've managed to churn out over the last couple of months, its about the amount I want to share.

I've become an increasingly private person when it comes to my work. I've written tonnes in my diaries, on my phone, for random projects, during class. But more often than not, I'm not immediately jumping to type out my thoughts and poetry into the blogpost editor and publish for the eyes of the world to scan it.

Understood that this is my world of people that will see my work, and appreciate it or critically analyze it and tell me how to get better. Understood that I've got nothing holding me back and nothing to have ever stopped me or deter me from openly revealing what's in my head. But I guess I've also understood that some thoughts, when expressed, automatically come with lines drawn around them. Not every impulse is a no-holds-barred kind. I've begun to maintain restraint. Even in the amount I think of something to write about.

Maybe everything needn't be explicit. Maybe it all doesn't need to be in verse form. Maybe I don't need to question why I haven't told anyone what I'm thinking. Maybe the impact that songs and movies have on me every single day doesn't need to impact 10 other people. And maybe I'm actually alright with it being this way. I'm ok with not thinking and not channelizing thought to have it published. But I know for a fact that its all still there, that I haven't lost any will to write even today, despite work or life or anything. And I know that you, out there, whoever you are - friend, family, well wisher, random person - are maybe going to read it still, just to see if your faith still aligns with mine. And after this, I sure hope it still does.

-Untitled-

2011-08-20T23:07:00.002+05:30

Not every road leads me to an end.

Not all means are justified.

Stuck as I am, still walking on a track

with every step undefined.

Do I count my moves as I make them

Or leave a trail of crumbs behind?

Need I let myself come back to

The starting point, or walk forward, determined?

Grasping on straws that strengthen me

But letting tough ropes split my skin

Yearning to be boundless, free,

Screaming from within.

Do I choose what I can

or choose what I must do?

Either may work, but in this life

the only way out is through...

Clarity...

2011-07-12T16:45:00.002+05:30

When one goes to get themselves a pair of spectacles, the eye-test consists of lens combinations being changed around depending how clear you can see out of them. Wipers on a windscreen of a car only exist so that when it rains, you can wipe off the distracting droplets and clearly see the road ahead. Concepts aren't understood unless they're crystal clear. Where, I ask, does this lead us? It only leads me to believe that unless and until something doesn't have a certain amount of clarity, it doesn't work for us.

In viewing how clarity makes us more comfortable with the new adjustment we have to make, the concept of clarity is actually, in my understanding, the basis of all human relationships. Unless we're clear about the relationship and what it means to us, we cannot develop the right degree of trust, love, understanding and sacrifice. If I am unclear about where I stand in any bond, I'm not going to be able to do full justice to it or even take it forward from where it is.

Between friends, clarity is what can make them stronger and more together. Between parent and child, the clarity brings them both round to each other's point of view, which is needed because misunderstandings there cause only hurt, and no happiness. Between siblings, its important to be clear about how they are with each other. The reason why my brother and I are as together as we are or understand each other the way we do, is because we both are equally sure of where we stand in each other's lives. Sure we have our altercations, but those also are not without the understanding of where the other person comes from.

Between those in love, it is perhaps the most important thing. I cannot sustain a relationship that is not clearly defined for me. Not saying that everything needs to have boundaries, or demarcations, but everything does need to be clear. It needs to be all there, or not at all. I've had to be in situations where because I wasn't clear in my head about where I wanted to be, the other person and I suffered the consequences because we were not clear about what we wanted, and hence couldn't be fully honest with each other.

A few years after that incident happened [details of which are unimportant], fate played a funny trick and I was in the same situation again. Amazingly enough, I learned that unless I came clean and clearly explained everything that was in my head and heart, I wouldn't get an honest response on the other end. And I did, because I was clear about where I was going which generated a level of trust and acceptance. And I'm glad that it happened the way it did because despite the hurt, I know that I'm not hanging in mid-air, in limbo, without reason enough to believe in any side of the story.

At the end of the day, it is only fair to someone that you are completely clear about your stance. Not stubborn, but clear. Only if someone else can understand your point, can feel what you do, and can see what you see, will they be able to reciprocate. Remember, unless you see the picture clearly, the glasses just aren't right.

Crying It Out...

2011-06-27T00:12:00.002+05:30

A tear is such a powerful thing that exposes even the most internalised weakness, or strength. it isn't a mere drop of salty water, but a carrier for all anger, frustration, failure, and sometimes even love and joy and pride. Its silence betrays even the deepest emotion, its motion slow enough to let the pain sink in.

Its no mystery that we can cry, and some of us [me included] tend to do so more than others. We cry at the movies, in loss, in pain and sometimes, even in sheer happiness. Each tear seals a reason, revealed or not. But have you ever cried without knowing why? Ever begun sobbing so violently, but without any catalyst? I know I have. There are times when I cry, without cause. Each part of me just yearns to find out why, but I never do.

Some times, the vulnerability and security of being in the arms of someone you love just makes you let out each tear that had been preserved for a better reason. The comfort is all it takes for one to pour their heart out, even if literally so. There are times when I long to do just that - just hug someone and cry to my heart's content, and let silence do its deed. There are times where I could just grab a friend and tell them, 'cry it out. It wouldn't hurt', because I understand how they feel just then. But then again, our inhibitions, and more often than not, our brains, stop us from doing so. Wonder what we're saving up these moments of togetherness in wellness and otherwise for?

But today on, I will tell myself that its ok to do that. Its ok to just hold onto someone and weep for as long as it takes for it to pass. And its ok to help someone do the same. Maybe they're like me, looking for the right time, right place and right person to drop their guard in front of. But I guess the tears know when to flow. They know when its time to barge through the floodgates and let everything out. And for once, I'll agree with them, and just cry it out.

2011-06-18T16:15:00.004+05:30

Over time, I've learned that as human beings, attachment is really important to us. We hold on to even the clumsiest threads that binds us to a person, and often we easily let go of strong ropes that join us to another person, only because they make cuts into our skin as we struggle to keep it together. This careless ease with which we handle our attachments is more selfish than anything else because we feel that we'd never be devoid of love if we ever needed or wanted it.

Only recently, I have begun to question the level this attachment can go to. Is it possible that some ties grow stronger in an insignificant amount of time? Can someone's one time concern become so habitual for us that we refuse to see beyond it? Do you, honestly asking, have someone who is so special to you that even the deepest cuts from holding on don't deter you, even if the other has already let go?

The question is not why we're still holding on, but what is it on the other side of the line that we don't want to let go of? A friend, a lover, a parent, a sibling, or love lost? Letting go isn't as great a part of us as attachment is. But what about the fear of letting go surpasses the pain of holding on? I know, for one, that the reason I find it hard to let it go is because if I do, I'm never too sure of whether I'll get a chance to pick it up again, or whether the person on the other side is going to care even an ounce to make sure that I hold on no matter what. And I, for one, also know that the reason why I continue to hold on, beyond pain, beyond hurt, and beyond normalcy, is because as I hold on, with each iota of determination I put into it, it will have some meaning some day for someone at the end of the line. If nothing else, the pain only makes me stronger and immune enough to handle lesser or greater pain, whatever the bond.

I'm unafraid to admit that I have some bonds that I'm holding on to despite the lashes on my hands. I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm still afraid to let go. But I'm sure that as long as I'm holding on, I feel stronger and I feel happier in the knowledge that I have someone to think about at the end of the day, who gives me the courage to hold on. And if nothing else, if you're reading and have been afraid so far, you're unafraid to be strong.

What's Worse?

2011-05-25T17:47:00.001+05:30

Pain is inevitable. Whatever the form. Be it physical, mental, emotional [which some will argue is also mental, but never mind] or just pain. When I talk of pain, the word pain is usually associated with some sort of violence, or some sort of medical procedure. And more often than not, its the latter, considering I haven't had a good fight in a while [not to worry, there is no hidden demon waiting to be unleashed.]

Its funny how certain times, certain things are supposed to hurt more than others. For some, its painful to receive a physical blow, while others seem to hate the violence of emotional conflict, leaving them scarred for life. One would assume that when I got my tattoo done [to refresh your memory, its a 1" by 1" Yin Yang a little lower than the nape of my neck] , it hurt like crazy! Its quite the first question that someone asked me when I told them about this development, "Did it hurt?/How badly did it hurt?" Disappointingly for most, it didn't hurt at all. I felt only an initial pang of nerves, but then it was smooth-sailing. There could be reasons for that - 1. The tattoo artist was extra careful [which he totally was =)] 2. The area isn't that sensitive 3. I was strong enough to bear it. Coolly enough, they're all true to a very large extent. So basically that expectation of pain, that anticipation, was shattered for most, including me!

Even funnier than that is that time where things cause way more pain that they intend to or that they are expected to cause. Like the day before yesterday. I was scheduled for a blood test early in the morning and the person was to come home for collection, and so she did. When she yanked the needle out of the sterilized covering it was packed in, I was mortified. Not scared, not nervous, but mortified. My mother turns to me, and asks - "why are you so scared? you got a tattoo done didn't you? and you're scared of a 5 second poke of a needle?!!" I only said "yes." Purely because there's a vast difference in being drawn on by a continuously rotating needle and being poked by a needle which is held there with a tremendous amount of pressure.

Therefore, at the end of the day, no matter how many tough things one may do, no matter how many hard fights one may have, even the smallest things can put the fear of i-don't-know-what into everyone. And funnily, at the end of the day, fear can be inspiring, as it has been for me - to start writing again. Good bye writer's block and hello life!

Books and Movies, I and Why...

2011-05-03T15:12:00.002+05:30

I'm an avid reader, or at least I like calling myself that. I've read a lot and have been reading since forever. The same can be said for movies in my context. If there were ever and exam on movies, according to my mum, I'd ace it. At least the Hindi movies section. Anyhow, there are times when these two loves of mine come together and create something. Something known as book-inspired movies. Notable examples that I have watched - P.S. I Love You, the Harry Potter Series, Princess Diaries, Memoirs of a Geisha, The Namesake, 127 Hours, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and many more.

For a while now, there has been a steady argument that floats around as to why a filmmaker must take up a book or its story and, more often than not, RUIN IT??? *attach agonized expression here*

For years I have heard friends and others ran about the terrifying brutality with which the book has been stripped of its original charm and how badly represented, made and cast it is. For years I have either remained unavailable for comment or voiced a minor "yeah, i think so". But now, it seems to have hit me that I actually enjoy the movie versions of books and also don't mind them being different from their parent books.

The primary reason to any of this has to be the fact that we don't read illustrated books. Our mind's eye must visualise each detail to imbibe the true flavour of the book and each scene or chapter. When this very book, whether easy or hard to picturise, when turned into a movie, is a representation of a universal visualisation. I like being able to look at a scene in a movie and go "thats exactly how I imagined it'd look!" The vastness of the description by authors like Roald Dahl and JK Rowling, among others, after a point in time needs a visual representation that one can look at and marvel at.

The second reason being that some times, when there are certain details that have been introduced, they add a fresh flavour to the original plot. It makes me go "wow" instead of "yeah, its exactly like that. *yawn* " Case in point - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
When certain details are removed or changed around for audience appeal, I'm one of those audiences that it ends up appealing to because its a fresh take on what exists and probably gets rid of unnecessary details. Also, for people who've not bothered to read the book, its a relief really. Case in point - P.S. I Love You.

And finally, why I actually enjoy these movies. That's purely because I've acquired the ability to be able to detach myself from the meaning of the book to me and look at the movie as a spin on the book, which still is a separate work of art. I don't need a replica of the book at all stages because I'd rather just read the book again and again for that. And if I constantly liken the book to its movie, I risk being disappointed. I don't like that option, because then it puts me off movies, which is not cool [extremist that I am].

Case in Point - HP Series, and the Princess Diaries series.

Books have their own charm at the end of the day. A movie doesn't really help vocabulary, or give you a good smell from every frame [for those who smell books, you know what I'm talking about ;) ]. Movies have the ability of superior visual appeal and that works for someone with the hunger for an audio/visual depiction of creative excellence. Owing to the fact that they are two separate disciplines, they are as equal to me as two eyes of mine

(Untitled)

2011-04-22T00:30:00.004+05:30

I want to be loved because of anything,

but I want to love despite everything.

I want to run, skip, jump and fly

but I want my love forever nigh.

I want to feel the waves of air

Fleeing from above me, from everywhere,

but I want to hold on to every breath,

even as I swim to the deepest of depths.

I want to soar, to break out

but as I do, I want to yell, scream and shout.

I want to be engulfed by silence

Shut out by every full-feeling sense.

I want to keep, to possess, to own

I want no time to bemuse and bemoan.

yet I want to let go, be free

Have nothing to grasp, nothing restraining me.

I want to feel real for as long as I can

yet live in far off fairy-lands

I want to be loved, for anything that may be

So I may want to love the one who loves me...

A Bond I Cherish...

2011-04-21T18:33:00.004+05:30

As girls in general go, stereotypically speaking, I don't qualify as an out-and-out girl. And as the process of making close friends goes, my friends usually lie on the other side of the gender fence. I've always found it a easier task, and hence a choice, to find lasting friends in the male race, as it were. This probably owing to two facts - one, that I've always studied in a co-ed set up so far, and two, that I'm the only girl and the youngest child in my family, thus making it mandatory that I mingle with boys, men and the like.

This major part of my characteristic behaviour contributes to both harm and good in this department. I've ended up being confronted with the dividing line between "friends" and "something else" quite a few times. I dealt with it foully a few times, and a few cherished falls later, I've risen above to a different understanding. One of those times has been now, and his level of understanding has only made me wiser, if nothing else.

He's a friend, and something else, but he's a friend and nothing else. We've only really gotten to know each other through the last two years, being in the same school and having been thrown into situations with ease. At first glance, he's in-your-face, serious, confident, unconcerned and at times, annoying. It took me three long months to realise that I was judging him based on an exterior created by circumstance, experience, intelligence and practicality. He still can come across as he did at first glance, but he's mostly funny, smart, understanding and downright honest! He can't mince his words even if he tried, because he likes to keep it simple.

We've fought tonnes, even tried not talking to each other. But I guess sometimes, you need a few time tested trials to ascertain that this friend and/or something else is for keeps. But there again was that dividing line, that question - is he just a friend? can he be more? do I want him to be more than he is? does he want me to be more than I am?

Knowing his honesty and [mostly] non-judgmental air, I told him about what I was thinking. We hypothesized tonnes and finally reached a conclusion that pretty much altered my perception of anything like this in the future, and anything like this that is in the past. We're friends for each other, and can be more, and will be if there is a time that warrants that, but for now, we'd rather have this happy place where we feel pure admiration for each other, without having to label it as a relationship. We're both smart enough to understand that time where neither or both of us would feel the need to expand into a whole new domain. And neither would sever ties as friends even if we fell out of love, as it were, because, like he says [and I quote] "a friendship not strong enough to stand the fact that one has started liking the other isn't worth having in the first place."

He's just the same each day, I remain the same each day, with only a tad bit more respect for him and myself. Our friendship has remained, if not grown stronger. He's still special to me. I still mean something to him. And that's how it stands. He has taught me a few things, he learns a few here and there from me, and that's how we want it, for now. Whether we go anywhere from here or not doesn't tickle me, because this point where we're at right now is rare and something that I'd be a fool to mess up!

They say that two people of the opposite sex find it hard to be friends for long. If confronted with this a few years ago, I'd agree. Wholeheartedly. At that point, my own experience convinced me that the grey area cannot exist. Life is wholly black and white. Today, after a few years of learning, living and loving, I couldn't disagree more.

Culinary Love!

2011-04-15T22:56:00.002+05:30

I love to experiment! Be it with a new look, a new type of book or even cooking! And evidently, today's successful experiment was cookery-based.

Being a 17 yr old, who is about to turn 18, I believed that it was imperative to be able to sustain myself on things beyond maggi and toast and the likes. So I set myself the challenge that I'd cook a whole meal for the family.

Now, bear in mind, my family isn't just me and the parents. My family is my parents, my brother, my pilot cousin, my house helps and me, with my mum's mum in tow for the while. So cooking for 8 people was the task and despite the fact that there was dissuasion from every corner, I stuck to my gut and decided that this had to be done. I couldn't turn back at the point when I'd promised myself, and I was intent on dazzling.

After rigorous searching online, I was able to zero down to 3 basic recipes - dahi ke kebab for starters and avial and dal with raw mango. These required intense preparation and after printing my recipes and getting the ingredients, the evening was mine to use!

Cooking, I admit, is tough. I wonder how our moms and their moms and absolutely anyone who cooks on a regular is able to manage and multi-task. I had to chop, check, stir, mix, knead, and god knows what else. Luckily my househelp was an utter darling and helped me through it all, but I think I tired her out too, considering she's never cooked any of what I'd planned!

My mum constantly checked in - "can I help?" "need me to do something?" "are you sure you need no rest?" My grandmother also needed to be told to stay out while I toiled and trudged. Too much care and love makes one nearly blind to the concept of committment and loyalty to the cause. Even if the cause is to merely cook, not save the world.

It was time for dish one - the kebabs. We'd already faced major disaster with that considering I messed up the proportions of the curd needed and didn't let it leave enough water, which disabled it from being bound easily. The besan was our saving grace, but 9 on 10 isn't a bad score, nay? My father kept gushing his approval and I'm superiorly glad he liked it!

Next was the turn for the mains. The dishes turned out exactly how I needed them to be, except that I couldn't put my yellow chilli powder into the dal, which was an essential ingredient to lend it colour and flavour. Working around the incompetence of the groceries to be able to give me my condiment, I concentrated on the avial. I've seen it at restaurants and eaten it with pleasure, so I was capable of understanding the flavour, body, texture and look the dish needed. Gladly I can accept that it turned out to be the dish of my dreams! It worked perfectly and I've never seen my family eat that fast!

The reason why I'm sitting and describing this whole episode as it were is because I've never been so proud of myself before! I've never done something so huge before and I'm still overwhelmed by this whole episode. I'm glad I made my family happy and did something to prove that I can survive wherever I go now, that I'm ready. Ready for a life without any hunger or any dependence on anyone to set a plate for me to eat on.

Modesty, very honestly, isn't my style. And for once, I take pride in being slightly boastful about having accomplished something that a lot of people my age cannot do. And this is an open invite - you're welcome to come and demand me to cook something for you, provided you give me at least a day's notice =)

I Win =) I Lose =(

2011-04-11T19:23:00.002+05:30

I'll begin with the simple and blatant admission that Monopoly is my favourite game. I may not be money-minded in general but I cannot resist the charm of the game made of money and everything to do with the art and war that is business. I can play the game day in and day out, and I even play with myself, using two separate counters and money stashes, just as one would play chess by themselves, being both the black as well as the white army. When I do that, I win and I lose. I find pleasure in beating myself, as much as I enjoy beating others at the game, as I seldom lose. Seldom here entails a 1 in 15 chance.

I'll go ahead with another simple and blatant admission that I'm not a gracious loser, but this is restricted only to monopoly. The rationale I follow there is, why should I lose at a game that I love and that I'm the best at? Its like Charlie Chaplin losing a Chaplin look-alike contest, which has happened. If I lose the game, or begin to see signs of losing, I'm immediately put off. It becomes worse because I'm the banker by default and its crushing to see the other person rake in the moolah, while I sit there with bare necessities in hand, sometimes not even that.

As luck would have it, the last few games I've played, I've not won. Not even close. For me, even second place by a margin of $500 doesn't cut it. Even when I've played the game against myself, I haven't rejoiced at the fact that I won part of it, but I've reflected on the fact that I've lost the other part. I guess its probably because I've begun to realise what its like being on the other side of the fence. Not like I put the person in a pathetic, pitiable state when I win against them, but I realise that there is another side. I can lose. And by large margin or small, I can be defeated at my own game.

I don't play a shrewd game. I'm not a ruthless businessperson who can do anything to win and I play fair. Somehow, I think I'd begun to think that since its only a game, everyone roundabout uses that ideology when playing and doesn't play a mastermind-type strategy and totally kill me. Regardless of the fact that everyone plays fair [considering I'm the banker, money doesn't escape my eyes], there's no accounting for how going-for-the-kill and shrewd another person can be and how a game can transform them. Which is really what makes me feel bad when I lose is that someone else didn't play as casually or graciously as I did, though we both had equal chances of really making the other person beg. Point being, they took their go, I didn't.

Funnily, this only makes me understand that the game, if it can change anyone else, it changes me too. Instead of being a gracious loser, a good sport, a kind person with no hard feelings, I become a sore loser, a spoilsport and I even get cranky and irritable. Not cool and awesome things to admit on the worldwideweb, but its something I have to get out into the open, so that when I read this again after the passage of some time [considering the first draft is what I publish, always], it'll only make me a more rounded and mature individual and drill into me that people are different, even if the battle field is even at all ends.

So there it is, my admission of my love for Monopoly and the even larger possessiveness for the top spot in the game. I may change post this, I mayn't. This may ward people off and I may have to play Monopoly by myself forevermore, but at least I don't have to live with a pent-up flaw that I refused to acknowledge just because I could hide it.

[the board is always laid for anyone who cares to join me. 5 more players only, no teaming up.]

2011-04-05T23:01:00.002+05:30

That’s my friend Mudit Ganguly. He’s as crazy about Lady Gaga as the country is about Sachin Tendulkar. and then a little more crazy. and he loves her style, her music and her sensibility and knows every single published detail about her!

this is his entry to the virgin mobile local blogger contest so that he can meet Lady Gaga and her team at the Monster Ball in New York!

And, this is me promoting him! =) please watch and vote! it is the want for a journey, as part of a journey of love, talent and life!

to vote, go to this website http://www.talenthouse.com/creativeinvites/preview/a28ea26abe4f57b78153be5d2b7a23f5/192

A New Part of Me

2011-04-05T11:43:00.002+05:30

As I enter a rather larger domain of my own in life, I realise that there is so much more that I can share with everyone that is a part of who I am and what I like. There is a new part of me that I'd like to excavate into and find plenty to discuss. And after a lot of waiting and very little thinking [impulsive that I am], I've officially started a new blog called "My Roaming Eye". If it isn't evident already, its going to be all about journeys - mental or physical, ones I take and ones I hear or see.

I love travelling and unraveling whatever it is that is in store wherever I go or my mind takes me. Journeying is a rather important facet of inspiration, because you can't exactly take anything forward without having gone there first. And the going takes efforts. Efforts that we need to make, and the effort that I'm fully ready to put into really letting people into my world, quite at the same time as I journey into it.

There will be times where I will revisit something I did ages ago or something that has lost mention in the last few years. Those journeys are really the ones that will make me stronger, make me smarter and just make you a much more integral and internal member of my life, for having shared that with me. The endpoint to this being that there were and will be many starting lines and much baggage on the way, but all of it would only lead to an end someday, and its all part of one journey I want to go on, and hopefully take a few of you with me =)

the new blog address is myroamingeye.tumblr.com and I hope you'll join me there as soon as you're as prepared as I am. Not to worry how long from now that is, I'll be waiting at the end of the line =)

-Untitled-

2011-03-10T18:18:00.004+05:30

No taste for seasons

as if there were none.

No joy or sorrow meant

for battles lost or won.

craving, yearning

for any kind of love,

a pining soul dying under

weighty decisions made above.

No care for natural beauty

for no concern she'd heard,

Neither a cackle of geese

nor a chirrup of birds

Emotionless she stood

Sleepless she lay

Dreaming, wishing

for vitality to be taken away.

Oh for a change of climate,

oh for a glimpse of the glory

possibly an anecdote, long-forgotten

or a childhood story?

oh for a wish to wish,

or a chance to relive

maybe a passer by who could

out of goodness, give?

but no second glances come

towards her countenance

none yielding to her look

that sought acceptance

ignored, abandoned

and fearful still

living in squalor

out of His free will...

[any suggestions for a title would be welcome]

Feeling the Feeling

2011-02-26T23:49:00.002+05:30

A feeling is not just a come-and-go representation of what we think at the moment. A feeling is really a part of us that needs expression. Almost like the steam building up in a pressure cooker. There's a lot of it, and once it finds even the tiniest gap, the whistle goes off and the steam is let out in a huge burst. Okay, not huge, but you get what I mean. The resultant impact is a visual burst of steam, a squeaky whistle to go with and a bit of heat, and a pretty well cooked serving of dal or vegetable.

The same is with feelings, really. They come out in fits and starts after seeing an opportune time and there's so much too them that they fail to go unnoticed. They have some amount of impact or relativity with someone or the other who goes out to connect with them. Someone's looking at the various areas that the feeling exposes, and someone is looking at the product that the feeling creates. But to you, and solely to you, the feeling means something that is let out of your system. I bet even the pressure cooker looks forward to losing a bit of its steam.

Taking that forward, the reason we're actually okay with letting off this steam and are told not to bottle our feelings inside us is so that there is space for more! We have social and emotional experiences every moment, either conscious or unconscious. To keep it within us and not share what it meant to us or what feelings it arouses is to arrest its impact. Which is why we seek expression. Most of us do so by channelising it into a creative field. I write. and so do a lot of people. What we write is a literal expression of what we're thinking and what we're feeling.

Once the feeling escapes us, and I say escape because it really is trapped and has a lot of better things to do than sit around in a crevice of our mind, it ceases to live in us. It has found a happier place to be [just being polite here. I know how much some of us would rather just let it live inside, rent-free, if nothing else]. That doesn't of course mean that we won't feel something like that again. It means that the feeling we attached to it this time, will not come back for the next time. Its variants may always exist, but THAT feeling won't come back. Like the feeling when you eat chocolate after going on the longest crash diet ever! [3 days. true story.] Point is, that feeling has wandered off to connect with another individual, who would identify with the feeling and give it a new residence.

Now, I've had this experience, as have friends of mine, that they cannot connect with their written or expressed feelings like someone else can. If you read what I've written, full feeling intact, and you go through a wave of emotions and thoughts because of what I wrote, I may not be able to reconnect with my own written word. Something that came out of me. But that's because my mind has now given that space off to another set of feelings and doesn't feel the need to connect back with something that it housed for a long time before letting go. Trying to reverse time and re-feel the feeling is like trying to stuff the steam back into the pressure cooker. Trust me, it will not happen.

And so, at the end of this seemingly endless rant, I know for sure I've let out my feelings on feelings. Even though they may never come back to me, I know there's nothing to regret or want back here. I've felt it, harboured it, thought it through, been on a roller coaster with it, before finally saying good-bye. And I think we had a pretty good time, too. Its just that I don't think I can spend my life, or a large part of it, tied to one feeling just because it was mine at one point in time...

The Storm of Creation

2011-02-13T12:53:00.002+05:30

There's silence before
the storm descends
and silence creeps in after.
In the interlude,
everything is caught within
a stormy breaker and crafter.

It breaks the barriers of quiet,
tearing down the shroud
beneath which lie voices.
As shrieks and howls,
they escape their silent captor,
and they rejoice.

The storm surrounds me
and I, rapt by its beauty,
Am part of its destructive thrill
In the eye of the storm,
caught in a crossfire of thoughts,
I surrender to its will.

It takes me up,
blinds my conscience,
but leaves my creative spirit awake.
As I swish and tumble
in this unexpected rush,
there's more than sanity at stake.

The storm collapses
as do I,
sapped of energy and words.
Resultant broken restraints around,
I step into the light
to see the flighty thought-birds.

As I return to shelter,
past the ruins of
the storm's wild embrace,
I long for it to
enchant me again
with its creative grace...

[Image courtesy - Shiree Gilmore: Eye of the Storm]

Beating of the Retreat

2011-01-29T21:20:00.002+05:30

Republic Day is quite the momentous occasion for our nation. 26th January marks, in layman terms, the birthday of our Indian Constitution. Its celebrated with much gusto and there are battalions and marching bands from all the 3 branches of the armed forces - the Navy, the Army and the Air Force. One also gets to see floats representing each state of the country, showing off their finest as part of the parade from Rashtrapati Bhavan to India Gate. Its quite magical looking, actually, to see a relatively small fraction of such a large population, all awe-struck, watch another relatively small fraction of our country's population perform in the country's honour. Considering how cold the Capital has been this year, the turnout was still huge, which is heartwarming to see from a tv screen telecast live by yours truly, DD National. To be absolutely honest is to be cliche` but I'll still say that it truly enhances one's patriotism, if it doesn't wake it briefly from its slumber. But seriously, it makes me a proud and happy Indian to see my country's constitution being given a birthday bash in such style!

I watch a considerable portion of the parade each year, its kind of hard to avoid it. But this year, I watched something new, something I haven't watched before, because I had no idea about it. Ignorance at its best, I tell you. So when my mum told me about this event called the Beating of the Retreat, that marks the end of the Republic Day celebrations for the year, I wanted to check it out. It is an hour and a half of musical and marching excellence by all the bands that play in the parade, playing various compositions by officers and marching in different formations that are only meant for one to marvel at. The bands come turn by turn, playing 4 or 5 pieces, marching in different directions to either make a flower, or a fortress, or stars in four corners! meanwhile, the camels and horses, with their riders, stand absolutely still, as if transfixed by the effect of the music. The coordination, the flourish with which the leaders twirl their staffs, and then throw them in the air and deftly catch them again, and the grand music completely take over your senses and you have no mind of taking your eyes off the tv screen. It ended with all the four bands coming forward and playing the best possible drum beats and wind instrument medleys I've ever heard. The conductors have such splendour on their faces, showing how happy and proud this makes them feel. As the bands officially retreated, after taking permission from the President and saluting the flag right before sundown, they played "Sare Jahan Se Achcha" which only brought tears of joy to my eyes.

The best moment of the entire event is when, just after the President is escorted to her residence, the whole of Rashtrapati Bhavan, the Parliament House and all the surrounding areas of importance are lit up with lights that shine brighter than the stars put together. Delhi never looked more beautiful, and I cannot wait for the day when I'll see all of it in the flesh, but for now, the image is forever vivid in my memory. Not only for its aesthetic beauty but also for another type of beauty, perhaps patriotically induced, that I can neither describe nor explain. Its like love, and after watching this, I truly fell in love with India all over again.

For those who watched it, lucky you. Really. You will understand what I say, because it takes that understanding to watch these displays year after year. If you haven't, luckily the chances are not lost yet. When its on next year, if nothing else, watch it to test whether my words make any sense. So, 1645 hrs, 29th January, 2012 - the date is set, and the countdown begins.

=D

Uninhibited...

2011-01-26T16:39:00.003+05:30

I've always been a free-bird of sorts. Going wherever I want, doing what pleases me, and choosing to believe only what I think is believable. Its quite like the sand in a desert - changing face every now and then and refusing to settle, moved only by the gusts of wind that take with them all that they encounter. I've always been like a particle of sand in the wind. I cannot settle in one place, can't give it a rest once in a while. And complementary to that, I actually enjoy this freedom. But there are times when this freedom gets locked down and I get chained into confines that I cannot get out of. And for the most part, its all in the mind. My mind. The mind that is free, but also houses fear. Fear that buckles me down to my seat. Not in a grounding way, but in a restrictive sense. It renders me helpless without much to repair my state.

Think of a fly trapped in a glass jar. You can see its harrowed state. It bangs against the wall, flits about helplessly, clueless and tries mindlessly to escape. And then, after a rigorous struggle, it settles, not because its patiently anticipating release, but because it has lost. Lost the battle of survival over existence, freedom over captivity, vibrancy over faded hues. Imagine your thoughts, your expression trapped into such a jar, where everyone and everything can see you struggle but can't do much about it. You fight for what you believe in but you're rendered defenseless and the invincibility of your imagination shattered. That's pretty close to how anyone would feel when they're inhibited by their own boundaries, their own rules, their own 'what ifs'. And the bad news is that no one apart from our own person can open the jar lid and set us free.

This inhibition has slowly made its way into my mind too. It constricts the way I think, what I think, the way I write, what I write and most of all, who I am. I'm too scared of what the outside of the jar has got in store for me. Maybe a fly-swatter, waiting for me to escape so it can squish me. Maybe a repellent, waiting to smoke out even the last dregs of my zeal and zest to live out loud. Or just about anything that could shoot me down because I dared to try and find a way out of a jar that I was trapped in. Its more destructive than anything really, because it takes em away from what I truly love being - a grain of sand floating in the wind, care-free.

Maybe if I gathered all my energies, and resolved to escape, I'd probably break my jar as a way out by just banging into it. Who cares what's really outside the jar? As long as I have nothing holding me back, I can't be worried about the way forward. If only I can still trust the wind as much as I did and not wonder about where I'd be lost, I'd know for sure that there's nothing that can make my thought vulnerable to the forces waiting to shatter my imagination's invincible spirit. And then maybe, I'd soar higher than I did before, not because the wind lifted me beyond what it did before, but because this time, I'd do anything and everything to avoid another jar to get trapped into. And now, at the end of this, I'm convinced I'm flying high, because I have reason enough to believe and to live, the way I choose.

Love, Peace and Freedom to All...

=D

2011-01-05T15:16:00.002+05:30

There comes a time, when life as we know it ends. I heard something to that effect in a movie once. it kind of stuck with me. not because of any special significance, but because i'd kept it on the back burner for this long to sort of try and uncover what that line truly meant to me. I think i finally have an answer.

There are times when the whole world just stops and then, when it restarts after that interlude, you sort of wonder where the time flew, what chanced, where you are now and what the future is. that uncertainty, where you don't know where your life is going, is where the way you knew life has just come to an end.

when you fight, the fight leaves you disoriented for God knows how long. you lose track of where the words went, what each said to the other, who makes it up now, and why you fought in the first place. that just happened to me a few weeks ago and i still cannot let it go. i'm at an utter loss for words, for thoughts and for niceness even, but all without cause. that leaves me blank and i'm probably standing on the dividing line between life as i know it and nothing. i think i'd rather just stay on this line than move anywhere from here. going back doesn't look like an option and moving into nothingness is not something i prefer. probably this is also an end in itself - the end of innocence. the innocence that it'll all be alright someday. the innocence that we're always going to remain friends. maybe that doesn't need to happen all the time. maybe it never happens.

i'm growing up. i kind of have been for a while but this time its a tad bit different and a wee bit difficult. i'm at the threshold of adulthood and childhood. of school and college. of success and failure. and to be honest, i'm scared. not because i may not get what i want or may not be able to achieve my targets, although that is fearful. but i'm scared of the thought that there's a lot i'm going to have to leave behind in the bargain - my school, my friends, my house and even a bit of my edginess. its going to be that place called "the real world out there" that i'll officially gain an entry into. here's truly where life as i know it is ending, and the countdown has begun. maybe i'm ready, maybe i'm not. maybe i'll manage, maybe i won't. but the point is, its going to be over, and i cannot force myself back. here, going back from this line isn't even possible. its an abyss back there. its a one-way escalator that i've got to climb. and lets hope to God that the climb is worth it.

there's no controlling love, affection, hate, loathing. they come and go as they please and sometimes stick around longer than one would like. there's no escape and there's absolutely no turning back. there's tonnes of regrets though. i think the day that you start loving or stop hating a person, or begin loathing and end being affectionate towards someone does life really alter its course. it takes the train to a whole new platform altogether. some of us like being on this trip, others are wondering what we're doing with a ticket in our hands. at this point, i'm liking the trip but i can't quite see the platform. i think my train's still in that dark, deep tunnel, or its still cruising in the night-time through a forest, with no way for me to look out the window and place myself somewhere, for some peace of mind. its tough for someone as impatient as me to sort of deal with this sea of darkness, but i guess that when i reach the platform in the morning, the sun will be out to greet me and i'll probably know where i landed up. for now, the anticipation could either kill me or lull me to sleep. i guess i'll choose the latter. its a happy place to be in, and i do like surprises. again, lets just hope to God that the train doesn't get derailed and push me down another track that i have no clue of. the wait is just too long already...

conclusively, at this point in time, life as i know it is ending in more ways than one. i finally know what those words mean, to me at least. there are boundaries i might be crossing and there are thresholds i'm yet to cross. however odd the circumstances, at this point, all i can think of is, "between dark and day, and night and light, the interim is always confusingly beautiful." i thus leave you, wondering and wandering, wherever you may choose to be.

=D

Strike!

2010-12-04T11:42:00.002+05:30

I think we've all heard our adults say that there are lessons to be learned in the smaller things of life. That's sort of what happened to me last week. Towards the close of possibly the best week I've ever had, my new-found friends and I went bowling in the evening, in Bangalore, where I was at the time of this revelation. As the game progressed and I was hypnotized by the sights and sounds of the bowling arena, I realised that bowling was a lot like our lives.

There's a lot of players in our alleys. They're all people we know. Some are stronger, some are slightly weaker and some are just downright surprises. The spirit of competition just happens to creep in even among the closest of friends. Some have the skill and the technique set, some struggle. Its like chasing goals in our lives. Some of us have a set plan about how, where, what and when. Some of us just go with the flow and take each chance as it comes. While some others among us, who look like they're here for the fun of it, actually have a lot of aces up their sleeves.

We've all got the same target ahead of us - maximum points, and hopefully strikes on as many turns as possible. Our approach is really what makes the difference. Some of us take the heavier ball, for more impact. Some of us prefer the lighter one, easier to maneuver. A sufficient number of us even go by colour! Some bowl with a quick pace, some as slow as possible and some just try different tricks with the ball! The same is with our lives, no? We've all got success as the ultimate objective but everyone takes a different route altogether, whatever works!

Some of us have the advantage of using the gutter blockers. But we don't always get that advantage and after a while, we don't need buffers. We learn to perfect our aim. One cannot always have something to fall back on. Though most attempts may land one into the gutters time and again, we have those lucky times where it manages to stay on course!

We've got 10 chances to get a decent enough score, as compared to the others. Close enough to this one, but definitely above that one! Some of us knock down a good number of pins each time, some struggle with the one's and two's. That's the same kind of equation we've got in our daily lives. We've got multiple opportunities to achieve certain targets, hoping that we do ourselves some good in the process. The point is, chances do exist and its up to us to try and make an improvement with each chance. Maybe a different approach, a different perspective or a just a chance you might want to take.

The thing that I found really cool was that during the game, there were some of us that actually stepped up to help the others. "Maybe if you tried a different ball" or "Wait!!!!!!! Don't twist your hand like THAT!" And that is really what makes the difference. Mentors are really important. Constructive criticism actually works if taken well. And you know the best part? Whenever someone finished a chance, everyone cheered for their effort, regardless of the end result. So it was at Wizkids. Despite what position we finished at, despite who got the title, we all cheered for each other, we all appreciated each other. Just because we were all on equal footing! We're all Awesome, We're all Talented, We're All WIZKIDS!

At the end of an event like Wizkids, and at the end of a fun-filled bowling session, there was a lot of learning to take back home with us. Maybe I read too much into things. Maybe I've gotten all too philosophical with this one. But maybe that's really what this experience did to me. And I loved every bit of it!

=D

Moving On?

2010-10-08T15:57:00.002+05:30

It so happens that I have a theory about everything. And I mean EVERY single thing. And there's this one particular thing that I've been thinking about since who knows when and who knows why. Its this simple 2 word term called - moving on.

Heard it before? I bet you have. Anyone who's ever had anything - right from a toy to a relationship - will know what being told to move on means. So basically moving on applies to everyone. If there's a moment of sheer excitement you cannot stop gushing about, you're crudely told to get a move on. If there's a precious love you've lost, you've just got to move on. They didn't deserve you anyway. If there is someone in your life who passed away, you have to move on. And so on and so forth. But is moving on that important? Or that easy? Or is it doable at all?

Firstly, lets basically wrap our brains around this concept and the rationale behind the usage of these blessed words. The reason why someone would ask you to move on or why one would coax oneself to move on, is that the subject in question will no longer have bearing on your life like they did. The past is gone and there is no point lingering in the past when there's an urgent present and a glorious future craving your attention. The subject either causes you pain, or your joy due to that subject gives someone else hell. Therefore it needs to be pushed out of consciousness. So you're simply asked to proceed further and maintain a platonic state of sorts when the subject is raised again.

My theory is as follows - no matter how much you try, whatever you do, whoever you talk to, you can NEVER move on. Ever. Whatever it is. Whether it concerns your favourite dress that no longer fits or a person who isn't on the same page anymore. Just because its out of consciousness, doesn't mean it never existed. Just because it caused you pain, doesn't mean it never caused you joy. Just because it will have no consequence hereon, doesn't mean that it never did.

When you move on, you negate the influence, whatever kind, of the subject on your life. It is not acceptance, it is a type of detachment from the subject. And when you begin to detach yourself from quite a few things, you need to know that there's probably nothing left for you to attach yourself to. The subject was, is and will remain part of your life, and nothing can change or diffuse that. If you don't like a chapter in the book, that doesn't mean that the chapter was not the end of or the start of something that you enjoyed.

Point being, it is easier said than done, this moving on business. There's lots of things I've had to go through and I may regret them and they probably don't exist anymore, but they have had an effect on me. They make me who I am. For me, moving on implies making that part of me impersonal. And if there is a part of me that I doesn't feel personal anymore, then I've lost that forever.

More importantly, I believe that you needn't ever move on. That does definitely NOT imply that you continue to moon over it. It means that you need to understand the change it has brought in you and constantly learn something from it each day. It is only experience that can teach us lessons in life and you cannot learn with a slate that you're continually cleaning. Agreed there is resentment, regret, displeasure and much more attached with the loss that usually triggers this urge to move on, but that cannot and should not overshadow the many reasons that made the subject important to you in the first place.

Last word in, move on but only in a direction that will let you grow and let you take your important baggage with you, because you'd be nothing without it.

=D

Expandables, Expendables and Unexplainables...

2010-09-15T21:24:00.008+05:30

life to me, as i know it now, has multiple elements that see to its functioning and just make it the colourful canvas that it is and that i shall continue to fill until the paint runs out. but there are 3 words in specific that actually define the 17 years 4 months and 4 days i've lived - expandable, expendable, unexplainable.

what is expandable to me is life itself. the whole saying of "living to the fullest" is to expand every moment to the degree that there is no room for white spaces, filled with things i didn't get the chance to do. i believe that the fibre of the very canvas must be stretched to the limits so that there's more space for more colour. what also shows major expandability is the nature of human relationships. i believe that every relationship is like a tree, complete with potential to grow and beneficial fruit to bear, but it only grows if given the necessary space and care. with every person i know, i want to further our interaction with each passing day, only to the limit that i can, so that i refrain from making any judgments based on any half-knowledge. i would also appreciate likewise behaviour from the other person concerned, but if they feel their canvas is too full of colour and the shade i add doesn't fit into the scheme of things, then i'll just have to be content that i did my part. we need to, at the essence of it, expand our capacity of being humans and learn what is there to learn and incorporate it in whatever way we can, because no kind of knowledge can be useless to an individual.

what is expendable really is the overpowering nature of expectation, doubt, guilt and vice. its easier said than done to really regard these things as expendable and actually avoid falling into their trap. i'm going to blatantly admit this is something i need to learn too and incorporate, as more than one people in my life will vouch for blindly [no offense taken people!]. what is also expendable really is the over exaggerated notion of absolutely anything. certain wants don't have to become needs, and certain emotions can be preserved for when needed the most. these are the white spaces on the canvas, and they must be gotten rid of. this purely because though white is a nice colour to have amid so much vibrance, the white grows on you in a way that after a point, the colour is invisible and each colour seems like a mistake on the canvas. what is also expendable is regret. i believe when you regret something, you negate the influence it had on you and how it made you who you are. even if it made you something that you don't appreciate, regretting it makes it worse because it sets off a chain reaction of regrets about everything you ever did and how it led to that one thing that you regret the most. its quite a sin to make life a scapegoat for a blind spot because we are all human and mistakes are an essential part of life. utopia does not and will not exist. life gets easier once you admit that.

what is unexplainable is too much. also because i haven't lived long enough to explain enough. i know much about very little, and little about way too much. i'd like to keep it that way and not forcefully try to explain something that hasn't ever happened to me and try and decipher someone else's canvas. each canvas is different, and it means and shows different things to different people. by trying to be an art critic, you might end up losing the emotion that the canvas of your own life conveyed to you. and that's dangerous. what is primarily unexplainable to me is love. love for my friends, love in my relationships, love that holds higher connotations and love that i share with my family and my mentors. there exist many a silence in some of my conversations and some are made up of endless venting out from either or both sides. i've learned to respect both these sides because that is how i believe i can truly do justice to the love they have for me. even in the blows i've received with respect to this love are special to me and surprisingly, do not reduce my love for the person in question. and that is unexplainable to me. and frankly, i believe that life should have that element of unexplained things because that mystery, that eagerness to discover and the wonder in the small details of life only arises out of this. that being lost, everything is lost.

as i end [finally, for those who cannot bear to read at length], i know i've bared most of my soul to your mind and eyes, because i have shared today what i have taken weeks to absorb, learn and simplify. life's canvas has hopefully more space for my art and lets hope that i can expand the space, expend what inhibits me and always have an unexplained portion of me that i can continue to discover with each stroke. and hopefully, you shall still continue to lend your shades to me, without which, there's too much white for me to cover.

=D

A New Kind of Liveliness...

2010-08-29T18:43:00.003+05:30

this being the holy period of Ramadan [or Ramzan, however you wish to refer to it], i became particularly curious about the hype that surrounds the gallis of Mohammedali road in the southern parts of Mumbai. the best kind of foods during this fast period are supposed to be found there and i've heard tonnes. so, taking the opportunity presented, my family and i went off to Mohammedali road on saturday.

saturday = bad idea. its bad enough going to a highly crowded place with nothing to eat except for Mithais, now that i am a vegetarian, but its worse to go on the weekends, when the whole universe decides to eat there! it was jam-packed! we took a good 2 hours getting there, to start with, and when we reached, there was absolutely no space to walk, whatsoever. any the how, we ended up squeezing in and entered the galli that immediately engulfs you in its warmth, which is full of the smell of cooking oil and meat. i used to relish that once upon a time, and still do. the masalas are intoxicating, whatever the preparation!

everyone in our little group, barring my mother and i [who were decidedly the most enthusiastic about just being there], knew what they wanted to eat. i just looked around and i saw something i didn't expect in the least - it was a different meaning to life altogether. it didn't look like one big party because they had the right to party, it looked like a celebration of devotion. a celebration of having the strength to not eat or drink for hours together, and still be smiling. and that energy radiated down to me as well. i hadn't eaten anything in good 6 hours but i didn't bother in the least, because i was just happy. happy to see so many people test themselves in the name of God by putting themselves through an ordeal i'm sure most of us can't even think of managing. we cringe at the thought of no food or water till the moon comes out on karva chauth, which is a fast in the name of the husbands, but that's just one day! everyone who keeps the fast during Ramadan does the same thing every day for 40 days [if i have my facts right] and they're still smiling.

i think, at the end of the day, we all like getting a certain amount back for what we do each day. in whatever form that may be, we just like being on the receiving end. but i think this experience at Mohammadali road taught me that at the end of the day, if your work is honest, and if you do it with a smile, you're going to be rewarded anyhow because there's a lot one puts at stake to get by in a day. and i salute that. entirely.

=D

P.S.: i ended up having some great stuff. i had phirnis and a sweet spongy-cake like dessert, topped with badam, pista and rabdi [cream], the name of which i forgot. and i had some Indian chinese at a restaurant there, so i did eat something substantial even as a vegetarian, as many other happy smiley faces broke their fasts around me.

Too Late...

2010-08-21T15:52:00.002+05:30

over conversations with a lot of people, and a lot of introspective thinking, i've come across many situations where the dead end is that "it was too late." be it a concert for which one missed the show by one ticket, or a date, or even a lost inspiration. the dejection of that loss is only reflected in one statement -it was too late. but why is it too late?

in my opinion, which is expressed far too often for the liking of a lot of people, i believe nothing, and i mean nothing, can happen too late. it only happens when we're ready to face what it really entailed. every consequence thereon is something that can only be tackled because we're accomplished enough to take on the challenge of it.

some people can't realise their choice in life. and when they do, they say its too late because they've already reconciled themselves to their fates that the opportunity would never present itself again. but when it does, they say its too late because they've already settled for what is not theirs to have! i'm not saying sit around waiting for it, because that's senseless and life isn't life unless you make some sense of it. what i'm saying is, welcome the opportunity if it returns and if it doesn't excite you as much as it did and doesn't define your life as well as it did before, then it isn't what you've always needed, wanted or deserved.

i believe these situations in life are like walking in a maze blindfolded. you only have your good sense to guide you and when you hit a wall, you know its time to turn in a new direction, explore a new possibility. probably be in a better situation than before. and the best part, you can't expect what the path holds because your vision doesn't support you. when you hear people say "expect the unexpected", they mean exactly this - go ahead with your blindfold and you'll only know that you're ready to uncover your eyes when you've reached your goal.

i've heard people crib, myself included, about times where we really need help and we dont get it, but we get help at all the times where we're self-sufficient. that only happens to let us know that, like money needs to be saved in a bank account for later, this help needs to be acknowledged so that we can claim it when we need it most. relationships are like investments, they always grow into something fruitful and last only for as long as you're willing to be patient with their growth process. so we've only got to create those safe deposits and investments for ourselves before it really is too late.

when we miss an important moment, it probably isn't as important to us as we think it is, and we only have a heightened sense of importance for it because we're supposed to want certain things. but if we only complied with what we think we want, we're never going to know what we want, and everything in life will happen just a little too late...

=D

Torchbearer

2010-08-21T15:49:00.001+05:30

they call me a torchbearer

for they believe i pave

the way forward

for those who crave an escape

making my pride escalate thus

to giddy heights, from where i can't see

what lies below the dust at my feet

but only the way ahead of me

they say i'm a torchbearer

claiming i radiate energy

but if only i could see what they've inferred

i could very well realise my true vibrancy

at the head of the line

with a thousand eyes in hope

joined by a few more

look to me for guidance

for i am their torchbearer

but the path is unclear to me

and no one to lead me on

to a destiny that awaits

countless others, but they cannot see

and only look to me...

The [C]Harmer

2010-07-19T21:32:00.002+05:30

He minces words
with his sharpened wit.
with his appealing humour,
he's a perfect fit!

He knows what dressing to use
what elements to avoid, just in case
he is met with a client
who's easily annoyed

He's brilliant with spices
for they're his best device
they're in his disarming gaze
and his naughty smile

he can cook up lies
like they were part of a feast
a dirty look, a critical word
bother him the least

he's the salt in a dish
the life of a party
you'd notice him even as he breezed past
he's just that crafty

with his amazing and tasteful life
you'd almost think he's a culinary wizard
but be not mistaken, for poor girls are
swept off their feet by this blizzard.

The Magic of words

2010-07-10T00:20:00.001+05:30

for those who love to write, do -
for it shall complete every part of you
but if you write, look not for acclaim
write not merely for money or fame.

write for the heart and the soul too,
write for those around you,
for those with a voice they cannot use,
those with choices, but who cannot choose.

let loose the angels of a happy day
on all the demons that prey
on lives full of joy. open all doors
and let all emotions splay onto the floors

no care for the world's fury
nor for any judge nor jury
for those who judge know not why
they see, for they don't see beyond the eye.

for there are many lives to inspire,
through words and thoughts that transpire
there is much to say and do
and it all starts with you.

flight of the Phoenix

2010-07-10T00:19:00.002+05:30

of all the things she left behind
that she didn't look back twice to see
she knew she'd miss, the eternal bliss
of saying "this place belongs to me"

of all the memories she had shared
with those she's known for ages
she kept those, she could hold close
and free herself from the cages

of all the love she'd gathered from
those who were part of her
she took it all, to later recall
the affection and the cheer.

she leaves today not to be free,
but to be bound for it would be long
until she'd see the old fantasy
to which she once belonged.

one last look into her history
takes her back to days well spent
among her peers, amid all cheer
but with tears she was sent...

only to grow, only to live
only to live a life anew
she walked out into the sunshine
and into a new life she grew....

he wrote on...

2010-07-10T00:19:00.001+05:30

inspired by those who wrote once upon a time, those who shall write, and those who still believe that they can...special dedication to poet DH Lawrence.

he had no words to his credit,
nor lyrical expertise,
yet he wrote, on and on
with a careless, abandoned ease.

no subject had he definite in mind,
no untimely past to leave behind,
no song to sing, no lamentation had he
he wrote, on and on, for he was free.

no critic to shower him with praise,
no one to say which piece they loved,
for he wrote, on and on
without two hoots for the world.

too hoots he didn't care, nor give
to those who only lived
for things that they could control
and so he wrote, on and on, for his soul.

and for his soul he wrote, with
all his might and yet he never
stopped for breath, and as if for ever
he wrote on and on to his death...

dedicated to valentines day singletons - unpicked

2010-07-10T00:18:00.000+05:30

here i sit, unpicked
and gladly so
these days were never meant for those
who choose to go beyond the rose

here sit i, unpicked
and proud to be so
even though, a reject in the row
this smile remains unflicked

i'd rather be here than there
see the sun rise rather than set
and what better bet
than seeing love grow than tear

i'd rather feel the rain
than let all my care and joy
all meant for one [maybe even another] boy
go down V-Day drain, for it was never worth the pain.

so here's to those who enjoy their drink
solitarily, without another thought
to the other side of the day they never got
for there's more to life that's worth a think.

and here's also to those who chose
to stay true, to the tradition of a day
who's motive is to take all the love away
to bloom for the day, their rose.

Untitled...

2010-07-09T23:47:00.005+05:30

I haven't written in a while and i only have myself to blame. it does not take circumstance to alter our devotion to a particular interest. the level of devotion is easily adjudged by the fight we put up against the circumstance. and i haven't put up anything of a fight. not even an inkling. no iota of my energy has been spent in cultivating a piece of poetry, or prose in my head, something that i used to do on an hourly basis. is it just a maniacal roller-coaster ride to disaster or just a phase? i cannot tell. i know for one that i can still write. but i don't know for sure whether the amount i was devoted to it earlier is the same now.

this state of confusion disables me from writing at all. so far, i've erased close to 5 different ideas, 3 prose, 2 poetry. i've switched 4 titles and a 1000 moods in trying to find something to communicate. i think the catharsis is necessary and so it must be done. but has anything out of compulsion or more ever been as good as something of passion and inspiration? i doubt it. but the need to express becomes so overbearing sometimes that even writer's bloc cannot contain. frustration mounting, thoughts buzzing, mind wandering - not the most conducive state to pen [in this case, type] the purest emotions. but perhaps this is the only breakthrough.

but this is applicable to everything, or almost everything, in life. i think when one reaches a breaking point, its builds up all the tension inside which needs a release. that release, usually being reckless, is in my opinion, the most sensible thing one can do. unless you do not give yourself a vent once in a while and wait for the "right time", it never will turn up. opportunity usually knocks on one's door but at times, you need to take that step forward, even if it means tripping and falling into a pile of dirt. at least it doesn't rest within you that there was something you wanted to say or do and never did because the perfect occasion didn't come by.

so with this, i leave you with the thought of being able to just do something, out of impulse, because its probably the best release to any sort of pent up feelings. and with this, i did just that.

=D

More To Life...

2010-02-09T19:51:00.003+05:30

there is more to life than leisure
and hopeless pleasures
though the weather beats, and so do spouses
bear all without grouses
for there is more to life

there is more to life than nature
and joys miniature
though terrorists are spreading hate
and breaking news; wait
for there is more to life

there is more to life than a sunday
and every other weekday
though road rage kills
wait patiently for the thrills
for there is more to life

there is more to life than friends
and the meeting of ends
though every hour is a new fight
all will be set right
for there is more to life

there is more to life than love
and the rain and snow from above
though crops die and so do we
it shall be followed up with glee
for there is more to life - or so they tell me
but what they wait for, i am yet to see...

Picking Up The Pieces...

2009-07-05T00:41:00.001+05:30

there was a storm, lightening and all
that broke all that i had
its over now but not reason enough
to make me fully glad
for there's a mess i have to sort
and a hell lot to think
i'll be picking up the pieces
left behind, before i sink

there's broken panes and shards of glass
with rough edges all around
they will cut but not enough
to bring me down
for there is more i have to clean
before i really reach the brink
i'll be picking up the pieces
left behind, before i sink

what is life without a hurt?
what's pain without worth?
what are wounds that never heal??
what is smoke without fire?
what's a goal without desire?
what good are we if we never feel??
there was much yesterday
and much that tomorrow brings
so i'll just pick up the pieces
left behind, before i sink....

=D

Untitled....

2009-07-05T00:39:00.000+05:30

the floor is discolored of all hopes and dreams
baring the truth in all its transparency
my world blanketed by a sea of grey
engulfing my life in dark secrecy

the surface depressed beyond recognition
drains overflow with emotions
hearts failing, souls sinking
falling infinitely beyond destruction

but oh, the hope has risen
shedding its divine light
the surface resurfaces with renewed glory
beautifying all in sight

and oh, my world shining again
dreams rising to the fore
left behind are puddles of rain
to mirror what lies at the core.....

=D

Mental Conflicts...

2009-07-05T00:38:00.000+05:30

a mood on my mind
but my lips are sealed
thoughts waiting to be unleashed
feelings dying to be revealed
but for the mood on my mind
my lips are sealed

lot many have tried
but to now i did not yield
though the war is on
i have fled the field
for the mood on my mind
my lips are sealed

many a truth hidden
much else is concealed
it looks superficial
but its all for real
there's a mood on my mind
but my lips are sealed......

=D

What I Feel....

2009-06-17T19:32:00.001+05:30

when lost in thought
i find myself
in places i've never seen
in corners where i've never been
and yet they feel like
such a part of me
these roads that i've never traveled
mysteries waiting to be unraveled....

when in a crowd
i see faces
of people who i think i know
and those who i've watched grow
and yet they feel
so alien to my memory
like books left unread
and words waiting to be said....

when with myself
i know for sure
i'm going to different places
to see the different faces
that make me feel that
my life is real
like a journey of sorts
on the boulevard of thoughts....

=D

Moments Stolen

2009-06-17T19:31:00.001+05:30

they had walked long enough
in search of escape
but found not much to suffice
just a rugged corner
with a cooling sunset
was all they got for the while...

the smoothness of his tone
the nervousness in her eyes
made each tell the other
of their troubled lives
they wanted out
they'd really tried....

a tear glimmered
on her cheek
the darkening sky
silenced her smile
and made her search the lower reaches
with her eyes, and nothing to find.....

they looked,
his eyes bespoke his love
she flushed scarlet
like the setting sun
she heard what he said not
and said a lot she wished him to hear.....

and then she sealed her affection
with a soothing embrace
and all else forgotten
they returned to their origins
as if nothing transpired
but as if a millennium passed them by......

=D

Sounds Of Silence

2009-06-17T19:30:00.001+05:30

she uses all but words to speak
but says a thousand words to me
sometimes in laughs or loud shrieks,
she envelopes her hate and glee

she has no voice or so i've heard
but she knows my soul to be her friend
she has for ever companions yearned
and followed many for ages on end

she enters my environs like a breeze
and drives all else out the door
she rests me, puts me at ease
and says all that she has before

she shrieks and laughs all the while
and fills my solitude with noise
and then departs with a sweet smile
for me, she always had a voice.....

=D

Beyond His Brush

2009-06-17T19:29:00.000+05:30

he paints a bit
and ponders much
about his days
beyond the brush.....

about the times
he's painting smiles
but sees tears welling
in his muse's eyes
and the laughter those children
tried to hide
whilst he put them in paint and strokes
or rather tried!

about that couple
that earned well
but was never happy
their eyes did tell
and about his rivals
that meanly eyed
his every piece
and what he took home every night

and about that little boy
who only roamed
and had only a park bench
to call his home
and the blind man who sold
his talent for wages
but left all awed
of all ages

these sights he saw
and the stories he knew
were not half as sad
as what he'd been through
but he's left it behind
and now doesn't care much
for he's all about his musings
with or sans his brush.....

=D

Special Souls....

2009-06-17T19:28:00.002+05:30

for those who i love, cherish, honour, and can't live without......

its hard to imagine a world without
the sights and sounds another soul
its easy to say, and many have said
its like a sunrise that leaves you cold

when they laugh, they brighten it all
their tears drown every pain
when they're hurt it aches within
but when they smile, its like colors post rain

when they talk, they bring a new wave
their silences are like a wholesome void
their voice is like the first smell of monsoon
with each drop, the world overjoyed

there's much that they can have and want
but they care for those who need their love
they are not just those who make our day
they're the angels from above

they are light, they are rain
they are fun and trouble, all the same
they bring happiness wherever they go
and defeat the gloom in one blow
they are the sun that shines each night
and the serene morning moonlight
they're loved, hated and admired by all
they understand without even a call
they're the shiniest stars in a full galaxy
they're always there, wherever they'd be
all our lives have such special souls
because sans them, live is never whole....

=D

Celebrating The IPL

2009-06-17T19:28:00.001+05:30

a new year of new cricket
which just ended was begun
a month and six days back
to play some sport for fun

eight teams with eight dreams
all reaching for the prize
but who got there and who's left out
is still a big surprise!!

from the cool gang finishing low
to the last year's base being the ace
the young blood of Indian Premier League
gave it all a new face

awesome runs and run-outs
flawless wickets and their keepers
there were those who shot right to the top
and those that were slow creepers

disappointments and ecstasy
at lows and highs of our faves
where one man in the corner whines of ill-luck
the other man of superiority raves

a completely different atmosphere
an alien country with excited crowds
was accompanied by all four seasons
some wind, some shine and loads of clouds!!

people from every international team
once opponents, now play as a whole
the spirit of this game called cricket
being celebrated was the only goal

a tournament like no other
where a billion hearts beat as one
when the last ball bowled in this game of possibilities
is when we say, "the best team won!"

=D

Good - Bye

2009-06-17T19:16:00.001+05:30

there were times when i was leaving
and i had never turned
to say a sweet bye-bye
but no smiles i returned
not understanding
what i did lose
what equations i twisted
when this coldness i did choose

i've walked away
quite a few times
and seen confusion in rare view mirrors
instead of smiles
when the same happened to me
i knew what i'd done
i had been rude and mean
and now i had to undo what i'd begun

i knew how they felt
and i'd had my turn
and it felt bad, really bad
to watch my heart burn
and i've learned well
to learn from pain
and whatever i used to
i never did again

after all of that
whenever i left a place
i made sure i had
at least a smile on my face
and then on to now
i never left with a sigh
because fits been a while since
i've left without a good-bye

=D

guarding angel

2009-05-14T22:59:00.002+05:30

roaming about
directionless
but i still know the way
i'm not aimless
i'm just wandering
till i see the light of day

i see the sunset
on the horizon
and the stars that shine out loud
i want to find
my place here
but i always get lost in the crowd

i'm following no voice
but one
which i hope will lead me through
and i pray
that at least this once
my conviction is true

only when i reach
my destination
i'll know for sure
that life always has
a guarding angel
for now and forever more....

=D

Shining Star

2009-04-15T20:38:00.002+05:30

first i basked
while the sunshine did last
the glory of the day
took my troubles far away

then the day faded to noon
the sun's journey destined to end soon
i was left feeling a little scared
for fear of what lay ahead.

the noon took to eve
the sun, suddenly deciding to leave
leaving me in total darkness
nothing to hold on to, completely clueless

for quite a while stayed this gloom
even through the days and afternoons
i felt no inclination to rejoice
like i'd lost myself, and had no choice

it had been so long since i'd smiled
enjoyed, or even had fun for a while
only a fogged sky i'd seen
even lost count of how long of how long it had been

at last tonight i spotted a star
it came closer, it was afar
it shines so bright, my life glowing
i'm finally happy and its showing.....

=D

Splitsvilla 2

2009-03-15T17:19:00.002+05:30

temptation is a hard thing to resist, especially if you have an hour of pure entertainment on one hand and an hour of concentrated studying on the other. simply speaking, i choose to indulge in Splitsvilla 2 every saturday evening.

this saturday, something happened that compelled me to write this. according to their new format, one of the 9 guys has been elected king on day one and one of the girls has been elected queen for the rest of the show and they're supposed to be wooed by the rest and then follows the whole second chance date and then the dumping and you know the drill... so this week, the king had his date with the "danger zone" [i hate that phrase] girls by the pool. he came all dressed to swim but the gals didnt know and they came all decked up in the skimpiest clothes possible. anyway, one of the girls [minakshi] was asked to get into the pool, she refused. the king then thought he'd be a little testy and he asked her to get in within 30 seconds. she didn't refuse. she felt super-conscious and the date was rather slow. the other girls got in without hesitation and didn't let the state of their items of clothing bother them.

during the dumping session, the other guys got super-furious with the king about how he could be so uncouth. supposedly, that girl's dress sort of rode up and the other guys came to know [they were leaning out the terrace to see!] and they ganged up on the king. in the end, they had jeopardized that girl's chances and she was sent home.

after all this, i just asked myself, where was this girl's dignity?? had she stuck her ground and told the king that she didn't want to or couldn't handle it and then gone home, i would have still had respect for her. i will not conform to saying "oh poor girl, look how he behaved with her?" because that king guy only tried to test her personality. she might have passed on account of having tried her best to impress him but she failed miserably in maintaining her own. after all, even if it is a game show, you can't leave your self respect behind you to win right? forget what that guy asked her to do and why he was misbehaving etc etc because that's someone else's job to think over. she traded her want to win the game with her dignity and self-pride. if tomorrow that girl blames that guy's request as her reason to go out, its wrong on her part.

those other guys who rebelled soooo much about the issue were also wrong in doing so because not only did they make one believe that the girl was not strong enough to defend herself in the issue but also got her sent home, ruining all that she did in the whole day and going home with nothing - not her dignity, not 5 lac rupees and definitely not the favour of the king guy. had the girl tried to settle the issue herself with the king guy and not left it to other lunatics to guard her long lost "dignity" she would've found herself in the show for one more week at least. and had those guys [who saw from the terraces] not spread the thing around everywhere, there would have been no issue at all! this being the scenario, i believe it is not fit to equate the game show with war because that would undermine the self respect and dignity that one finds in all men and women of the armed forces and armed services.

ultimately, my point is this - never let any circumstance or any person take away from you the dignity that you will have with you for the rest of your life, no matter what depends on it. it is better to lose with your dignity in hand rather than go home with the prize but still nothing at all.

=D

Moving Away

2009-03-13T20:17:00.001+05:30

a few tears
a lot of memories
few remainders
a lot of sealing
cleanliness
in areas
where once there was a mess
but are now spotless

a lot of people
a few foes
many friends left
for many more
turning back
is hopeless
because there is no room for regress
but only efforts for progress

and finally,
pushing, loading
weeping, consoling
last few words
but a lot more to say
for good-bye's can't
be said in a day.

=D

Goal-Chasing

2009-03-13T20:13:00.002+05:30

first there was a time
when you just relaxed
no worry, no tension
of a time that won't come back
and then it struck
a fire grew
that's what chasing a goal
does to you

work day in
and day out
all possible questions
all imaginable doubts
everything at jet speed
all the while through
that's what chasing a goal
does to you

when the work
you embrace
the love of your loved ones
is lost in the trade
you mean no harm though
but what can you do?
'cause that's what goal chasing
does to you...

=D

Tracing Stories of Love Lost

2009-03-13T19:54:00.001+05:30

silent attraction
a confession
approval-------elation!
first all is lost
then all was lost
and never found again...
revisit, remember
rewind right to the start
and reel over
what is now past
no relation
no connection
one wonder -
why the silent attraction
and why a confession...

=D

My Identity

2009-03-13T19:52:00.001+05:30

QUITE A LATE ENTRY REALLY, BUT THIS IS DEDICATED TO ALL THE WOMEN I KNOW AND ALL THE ONES I'M YET TO MEET....

they say its a man's world,
but i need not react
for they full well know my strengths
there's no need for proving that!

the world at my feet
the universe in my eyes
yet i love living
beneath starry skies

i am as human as anyone else
yet quite the superhero
for all tasks i have solutions
before the countdown hits zero!

i'm bound in many chains
yet i am free
there is so much more i can do
yet i love my captivity

i know who i was
i know what i can be
but i love what i am
'cause that's the best part of me

i am strength and joy
i am life and love
but first i am a woman
and within me are all the above...

=D

The Night's Song Before The Break Of Dawn...

2009-02-18T01:07:00.001+05:30

a thousand pieces of me
each in their own individuality
graciously welcome thee
but bid farewell to me

a billion twinkling stars
so close, yet so far
fall into the waters of time
to rise again and shine

the circles that encircle me
only shine for thee
but grace my presence with their light
only out of embedded fright

admirers call me a beauty
but i'm only doing my duty
to guard the sun while it sleeps
to rest the grass before it weeps

unlike you, i'm not in sight
for you are the day, while i am the night
but if they ever might
they'd only wait for my flight

i wake for all to slumber
i shadow all pain
though for you, i fall over and over
but from you i rise and live again..

=D

Observing A Dancer....

2009-02-18T01:05:00.001+05:30

pirouetting to the floor
and rising in a leap
be it a stage, a road, a room
or waters dark and deep

displaying the love of expression
beautifying her reason to live
all she takes away is applause
but always has a lot to give

nimble or gentle
sharp or strong
every move is grace and magic
there seldom is anything wrong

charms with her face
performs with her feet
she reaches out with her hands
to every rhythm, every beat

there can be no stopping her
now that she's got her chance
there's always another life waiting,
but for now - she'll just dance....

=D

If I Had A Valentine, This Would Be For Him.....

2009-02-14T01:14:00.001+05:30

my dear valentine,

today we celebrate
life, love and joy
and i know these are incomplete
without you, boy

today i think
is a day to remember
for we express
our love for each other

i love you for who you are
and who you will be
but i've never forgotten who you were
because every you is special for me

there will be disagreements
but i promise you for sure
that if we are together
even the harshest winds we can endure

there is no lie
behind all that i say
because the words will be the same
tomorrow and today

you hear me out
just as you say i do
but there is still much left to do
for there is much within
than without you
because i've found
true love in you.....

p.s: this is just completely spontaneous since valentine's day is round the corner. i wish you all and your valentines a happy valentine's day.

=D

Words That Just Got Written....

2009-02-05T00:05:00.001+05:30

i wish there was a place
that demanded no emotion of me
that made no fuss about me
that just let me be.

there is one such place,
they call it the human soul
where imaginations are on a roll
where mysteries unfold
where no lies told

but there are some
who cringe to see it
who die to be one with it
who dare to defy it
but even then they deny it...

that its just a time
its just a phase
it'll pass away
like a fashion craze
so be unfazed.

its just a trap
to stop you midway
to question your say
to make you go away
to a place unfit to stay.

i feel this way too
just as you do
its not only meant for a few
its what all of us go through
just go with the flow dude!

forget for once
that there are needs to be met
cast a much wider net
and then see what you get
its what you'll love, wanna bet?

so hold your arms out
let the sun embrace you
let the world discover you
the truest of the true
for under life's hard sun
can stand only one person
so why can't that be you??

=D

The Difference...

2009-02-01T01:21:00.001+05:30

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PIECE MEANT TO BE HARSH IN CERTAIN AREAS, EITHER TO SPARK REALIZATION OR PURELY TO INFUSE SOME KNOWLEDGE. BUT ALL IN ALL, THIS PIECE EXPRESSES AN OPINION. PURELY MY OWN. I DO NOT WISH TO CHANGE ANY PERSPECTIVES WHICH MIGHT LIE ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE. IT REFERS TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR. IF YOUR WILL OR CURIOSITY TO READ THE WHOLE THING HAS NOT YET BEEN LESSENED, I SUGGEST YOU READ THE WHOLE THING. BEST OF LUCK.

i think it was some sort of prize distribution where i heard the speaker say - everyone has untapped potential and talent and it must be brought out. everyone has that "something special" and everyone has a forte`. - and so on and so forth. if i still lived in an illusion, i would believe the man and really look hard to find something. at least SOMETHING.

some people are gifted or special. no denying that they excel at something and are truly brilliant at it. these are the kinds who go down in history for having aced something that others could only vie to achieve. these are the kind of people termed in English as talented.

and then there is another lot. they know lots of things and are good at them all. they are noticed and also go down in history for having being the ALL ROUNDERS. but lets just look closely at what i just said. they're GOOD at lots of things. not great, not exceptional, not any of the adjectives one would generally use for the people mentioned a little earlier.

and there is [not so surprisingly] another breed. the ones who try. they go down in history just for that. they tried. most fail, some even manage to get promoted to another category. these are the kind of people who still trust that man's words - everyone has talent.

if everyone had talent, every house would have a Mozart, every neighbourhood would boast of a Shakespeare, every area of a Shah Rukh Khan and every city of their own Barack Obama. but such things only exist in a utopic world and sadly, ours is not. it need'nt be either. if everyone was a Mozart where would there be space for any Salieri? if everyone was a Shah Rukh Khan, where would all the up and coming actors go? there is a space meant for everyone. not necessarily a space of great name, fame and recognition, but not even of a downtrodden dung heap!

i think there needs to be a balance. everyone cannot have everything. if i can write it is definitely not mandatory that i need to sing, act or dance just because someone else does! i think i am fine the way i am and i think we ought to stay in our own domains. its good to be experimental but not if it fails every time you try and still remain oblivious to the fact that its not the thing for you. we're all cut out for a certain task and its best we stayed in our own mould. if we tried [however desperately or sincerely] to change or add on to our list of accolades or skills, we are cheating ourselves, others around us and the force that created us. worse, we're simply being greedy. when you're plate has a burger, fries and a milkshake, why covet someone else's pizza!

there is a vast difference between talent and mediocrity. i don't advocate it because it is bad enough that there is a divide even when the holy books [and the Indian Constitution] say that all are equal in the eyes of god and the law. we need not impress upon others about the divide we see between themselves and us because they're the first ones to feel it. its possible [and good] to bridge the gap and know that we can create the utopia. we need not follow the fact that there is none because all these statements of equality, potential and talent did not appear out of thin air but arose out of matters of some consequence. the rest is for you to decide. you are the best judge and the worst defense.

=D

Appreciation....

2009-01-30T19:58:00.000+05:30

THIS POEM IS FOR EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER READ, ADMIRED AND COMMENTED ON ANYTHING THAT I HAVE WRITTEN FOR YOUR WORD IS MY WORLD AND IT MEANS A WHOLE LOT TO ME. THIS IS JUST TO SAY THANK YOU.

it feels good to be appreciated
when we share
with someone who is fair
and yet will show their care
it feels good to be appreciated

it feels good to be appreciated
through a star on the assignment
through even a small compliment
through flattery [but only to an extent]
it feels good to be appreciated

it feels good to be appreciated
when all hope is gone
when the current is strong
and we can't hold on
it feels good to be appreciated.

it feels good to be appreciated
its the best motivation
in any situation
i'm glad there's always
a little appreciation..............

=D

Matters Of No Consequence..

2009-01-30T19:56:00.001+05:30

what good is an idea
one cannot execute?
what good is an argument
one can always refute?

what is the worth of love
if not traded for loss?
what guarantee of items
obtained free of cost?

what use is a dream
that disturbs a sleep?
what for are tears
if we do not weep?

why even say yes
if later you'll refuse?
why even bother recycling
when you cringe to reuse?

what purpose do
useless objects serve?
which is a courageous man
without a nerve?

what greatness in joy
achieved without pain?
why even work hard
and receive no gains?

why even make friends
who are not for ever?
why mock a fool
after calling him clever?

what need of a book
that teaches not a thing?
why expect any gifts
when none you ever bring?

what need what need
of promises a heap,
which never in a lifetime
you will keep?

why is the inside scared
and the outside strong?
why take away someone's right
through your wrong?

what use is a picture
that just gathers dust?
what fun is a doing
that's done for it must?

what need of questions
when answers there are not?
and why the thinking
when no result it has got?

for all these queries
the solutions lie within
and one who learns them fastest
does the race of life win.

=D

Slumdog Millionaire II

2009-01-25T15:26:00.002+05:30

after that long debate about the movie, the motion picture released in India. in two languages. with two separate censor certificates. the hindi one being a U/A and the english version - A. and for reasons made obvious for those who see it in its true form in english.

i saw the movie. i liked it. i knew i would for one. it is a really well crafted, well edited and even better in execution. the sound was enthralling. the casting and characterization was awesome. i walked out with tears and hope. a smile at 12 midnight. but a debate took place between my parents and me. and i think it needs mention for this is purely why the movie has deserved what it has received.

"how was it?"
"nice. but you can't really agree with the others when they call it a beautiful movie. they could have used better language, better scenes, better everything. there has been much better cinema than this in India"
"i agree about the language but what is the better cinema?? running behind trees and girls in long skirts and extravagant setting??''
"no i'm not saying that but there are movies like TZP and Black and all that deserve more than they have gotten. they deserve to go to the Oscars"
"but Miracle Worker is a better work of art than Black - both on the same subject. and TZP is real and could have been an Oscar nominee but we have not seen other foreign language films also no, like Waltz With Bashir and I've Loved You So Long, which have qualified for such awards. the award guys would have seen Something in them na???"
"hmm, ya but there has been better cinema in India than this. it is more real"
"i disagree, i think the only film maker who has gotten close to real is Madhur Bhandarkar. everyone is still taking off the cream on the surface, not many really go underground, which is possibly what the audiences want to see now. people are still either on the surface or somewhere in the middle. very few have ventured below and given something different that everyone is waiting to see".....

and so it went on. its not necessary to know who won, who said what but what is essential is the realization that films like Slumdog, or any other for that matter, that show the inner realities and the so-called murky underbelly of the nation are what the audience wants to see now. when defining the word different in cinema, we ought to concentrate on works like these as example. it may not be a perfect and beautiful work of art but its brilliant in a really beautiful way. watch it to find out. i know i did...

=D

of things we dont exactly know....

2009-01-25T15:18:00.002+05:30

they talk of death and dying
but have you ever heard them trying?
some say it hurts
some see a white light
and the others say its like flying...

they have no experience
no proven sense
and still they refute
the claims to their frauds
and wish the world held them in reverence

towards the end
if it ever mattered
their lives would be ruined
their causes lost
their existences forever shattered

but ultimately if one sees
the world in all its glory
was never meant
or dreamed for anyone
'cause death is a certainty.........

=D

on the side....

2009-01-24T15:22:00.001+05:30

afternoon. my family enters the restaurant with me in tow. we sit. we are waited on. we get menu cards. we see the bill of fares. we begin to order...
"one chicken tikka masala"
"one dal tadka"
"one makhni sabzi"
"3 rotis one butter naan".

the food arrives. i survey the dishes. since i am a vegetarian [converted] i have only the other two dishes to feast on. the dal is served and now its the turn of the sabzi. i allow it to enter the premises of my brass plate. it has beans, carrots, peas, capsicum,sauce and paneer.

lets get one thing straight: i do not eat paneer. i do not relish it.

"now what?? its got paneer"
"eat the rest, put the paneer on the side......."

cut to: everyday life

this one incident occurs quite a few times in my life and similar things happen to everyone. we refuse certain things put in our plates but the best solution is to eat the best, leave the rest. on the side.

this one lesson which has its origin in food i shun has become quite a huge part of me now. what ever comes in one's path is really not one's doing. it just presents itself and expects to be dealt with. there would necessarily be some elements that one cannot utilize or cope with. the best solution, instead of any other [which might lead to disastrous consequences], is to put it out of one's path.

if we begin to live with this policy of just side-tracking the obstacles that we think are problem-causing, we can save ourselves a lot of trouble, thought and energy - trust me! it is just a matter of prioritization maybe but its the only way that we can really really win with the cards we've been dealt. there's no point in packing off just because one of the five that we have is bad! that way everything would be pathetic and left off purely because it has something that is not to our liking. we'd never be happy. we'd never have anything in life to begin with......

so lets all just not crib, and indulge in the wonderful dishes on life's menu....

=D

When Life Just Stops....

2009-01-22T19:32:00.001+05:30

it has been 8(going on 9) years since i have been writing. it started innocent with really childish poems and stuff and now i think i write with a little more sense and experience behind me....but never in these years, ever, have i suffered from writer's block. i do now. and quite frequently..

what a hypocrite, you might say because i talk of writer's block and you still see the occasional note. but the fact that the notes are only occasional and not like the frequency at which they were generated earlier bothers me...it sometimes occurs to me that i must be too caught up to concentrate on my one true talent [although people may think otherwise (about the talent thing) ] but later an idea popped : am i losing it all? have i, like the humans on earth, exhausted my resources?

see, i believe that one can be out of ideas, but to be out of execution powers? i mean, i know very few people can write because it is not something that someone can teach you, but there definitely cannot be a time where there are ideas, which never seem to materialize! somewhat like a miscarriage [if you can really get into comparison mode but i will not indulge]

ultimately, this note, only only and only talks about the "phases" we all go through, writers or no-writers....i believe, that this is not the end, i know it cant be, it wont be, because i have soooo much more within me that i want to let out, i just cannot wait to jump up and start all over again! start ideating, start executing, start living.......'cause that's all i know how to do.....

=D

LOVE

2009-01-20T00:16:00.003+05:30

when i'm there
i go unnoticed.
when i leave,
i take the world with me

from me the is the earth
the sun, the moon
the stars
we all love to see

i arouse beauty
i induce purity
i release anger
for i long to be free

i have no form
no dimension nor direction
i just have one goal
in the hearts of all i must be

there is no soul alive without me
i fuel the circle of life
i bring change and reformation
i'm a lifebuoy for those at sea

there is none alien from me
but today no one even admits
that i'll make the sun rise and set
and turn the world around till eternity....

=D

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

2009-01-14T23:30:00.003+05:30

the 12th of January really proved to be a landmark day for every Indian, whether in India or abroad. it was the day that an Indian based movie won four Golden Globe Awards and the first time, as far as my knowledge goes, that an Indian has been honoured with this award. the movie is Slumdog Millionaire.

little background: this is a movie by director Danny Boyle based on a book by Vikas Swarup called Q and A. the movie won four awards:
best screenplay - Simon Beaufoy
best director - Danny Boyle
best original music score - A.R. Rahman
best motion picture [drama] - Slumdog Millionaire.

now, that day was a day of national pride where a movie about our city, its people and certain elements that exist within was lauded with such a high honour. but there are people who will easily refute me on this one with the following statements:
ya right, a movie about slums, their people and conditions as a national pride?
but the movie was made by a foreign national, why even call it Indian?
why really consider any other laurel than the one given to Rahman as our own?

the answers now follow...

well, the fact that out of everything that our country is based on and exhibits proudly objects at grass root level were taken as subject of an award winning novel and then a film?? not that we must be proud of the existence of slums in our country or anywhere for that matter but it is a great feeling to know that someone voiced their concern too, even though it was through fiction and drama. they too have a life you know and its great that their lives, however turbulent and battered, have inspired such works of art.

Danny Boyle is a foreign national. agreed. but what about the fact that he had so many Indians on his cast and crew? the cast was Indian and included actors like Anil Kapoor and Irrfan Khan along with many others. the co-director is Loveleen Tandan, an Indian. even A.R.Rahman was chosen for his part, he too is Indian...so much of an Indian connection with the movie that has gained critical acclaim all over the world and we should only laud Rahman? why not the whole movie? it is a matter of great joy that our country is making advances in this field and coming out shining at the top, even if we start from the bottom!

ultimately, i'm not here to change any opinions, only here to present another. this is purely a matter of perspective and i think that if we chose the positive over the negative, we would all make progress in our fields.

=D

DISTANCES...

2009-01-14T16:55:00.003+05:30

its the test to find the truest of true
the purest of pure
its when times are the hardest
and the best thing to do is ENDURE.

endurance of the emotional backlog
endurance of the pain
enduring the elasticity
until there is a strain.....

sometimes we hang on tight
afraid of what we'll loose
but its the insecurity with which
we blow-out the fuse

sometimes its hard to let go
of the remains of the rope untied
and really pushing to make it work
and not just knowing we tried

though seated side by side
the space between is enormous
the games played by people and the mind
always prove to be dangerous

never seeing face
nor hearing the voice we love
pushes us over the edge
until we've had enough

the wind is strong
the current is high
while some let go easily
the others dont seem to tire

its the one who holds onto the cliff
even when blown away
that passes the test of distances
the truest of true they say....

=D

THE MTV TICKR

2009-01-14T16:26:00.004+05:30

the year 2008 brought us quite a few good and bad things along with many others....some of these were pure fun, others were pure nonsense.....but one thing that has sort of got my attention is the MTV Tickr.

for those unfamiliar with the concept, the Tickr is a sort of infinitely scrolling marquee at the bottom of the screen that has an opinion to voice about practically everything under the sun. at times these opinions are fun but other times, the wit takes a really cruel form of sarcasm. sarcasm that should not only be restricted to a certain audience but one that shouldn't really exist to begin with.

frankly speaking, there are certain sections of the Tickr that i really like - their horoscope and sometimes the jokes they crack on famous celebs. but the rest of the times, i end up not wanting to flick to that channel. the remarks are hurtful and very very rude and look like they come from a place where the writer is of a high personal opinion.

just this morning there was a certain feature about being stuck in a lift with Anil Kapoor. the remarks were really pathetic and taunted certain aspects of his work and even had a comment that said "congratulate him on the success of Slumdog Millionaire at the Golden Globes....and then say 'oh, wait, you didnt get one right??' "......

this one really got to my nerves because it was a moment of national pride for us when Slumdog Millionaire won the 4 awards at the ceremony, and it being tarnished in any way even by an insignificant little purple and white thing was really wrong....

coming to the conclusion, i do not wish to advocate in any sort of manner that the Tickr or any of its comments or anything associated with it but i just thought it appropriate to voice, not an opinion but a concern, about what we are indulging in and what really is the world coming to...

=D

girl power or overpower?

2009-01-04T14:58:00.003+05:30

STATUTORY WARNING: IF YOUR VIEWS DIFFER FROM WHAT I SHALL NOW SAY, PLEASE DO LET ME KNOW. I DON'T MEAN TO HURT ANY SENTIMENTS OR INCITE ANY STRONG REBELLIONS. ITS PURELY WHAT I THINK.

having said that, i shall now begin an observation of what i have been seeing for a past few years.

women liberation, women empowerment and in kiddie terms, girl power, are subjects that have dominated the scene for quite a while now. reason being the sharp rise in molestation cases or women harassment cases across the globe. every career now boasts of a woman on top of it. everywhere one sees praises of women and how they are so strong and how they multitask and how this and how that.

men are scum. they are so low down. dont they have shame enough to respect a woman. they are so domineering. they had better realise that the woman makes their home home enough to live in. they have an overly large ego. why are they so suppressive? why dont they understand her needs? why is it all about them? why? why? why?

two different genders. and they have had their day in two separate eras. but i think that this whole women are better and men ought to know their place thing is going a bit to far now. i mean, now the man is the more downtrodden creature and no one is saying a thing. instead, now there are new complaints sprouting up! and then if they guy tries to say something, they jsut start off with the rut " its all about you"....

i belong to the female sex too you know and i too enjoy the advantages i get out of such demands and complaints and the final submission. but the fact is, i'm now kinda feeling sorry for the man. not like i am going to give up the whole overriding position we have earned but we have to tone it down a bit. we cant always be the supreme power!

there is also one more hitch i have with this whole thing is that women are actually trying to associate themselves with EVERYthing that men do. what they forget in this pursuit is that there are somethings we have already aced that men can only dream to do. and some things are best left to them. if we constantly run this race for supremacy, it'll just be like a world war with every country racing to have top-notch armaments.

give it a rest. it need not go back to square one but we can all come to a mutual consensus and know that everything is perfect in its place. if you try to paint the sky red and paint the grass purple, you're bound to have a world far worse than it was before you began to revolutionize it.

=D

teens accused - guilty as charged???

2009-01-04T00:47:00.003+05:30

whoaa! its been a good long time since i've been down this road! first off, happy new year! well this year is certainly turning out to be new in terms of feelings, emotions, situations and expectations......but all rolled into one, we get the end product as teenage or, to use a bigger word to show my brainy self off, adolescence.

hmph! where does one begin with this? terribly done to death with boring, long articles and speeches droning on and on about problems with understanding, maturity and its cure. but all done by adults. here comes the reality check: adults really cant get at the real deal just because they've crossed the stage and not-so surprisingly enough, the times have drastically changed, even from one generation to the next. point being, its better to know about the disease from the one that endures it.

lets get started shall we?

accusation: teens do NOT value relationships.

the truth: that's the worse thing you can tell anyone, specially a teen. its now that they begin to explore various relationships and their true significance in their lives. it is now that girls go our with their mothers to spend a girls day out and guys actually break the ice with their fathers. it is now that they have infatuations and boyfriends and girlfriends. it is now that they treasure their friends. it is now that they finally know the family as a family and not as the sweet uncles and aunties who get toys and chocolates for the little five-year old. don't accuse them with this, because it will truly break their highly vulnerable hearts and in all probability, make them averse to emoting and caring for relationships that matter the most.

accusation: teens have understanding issues where parents don't get them and vice-versa.

the truth: that comes with the fact that they really cant have a very active role in this phase of our lives because we're so busy understanding ourselves, how can we possibly understand much else? and if adults in relationships and marriages claim at times that they are unable to understand one another, why are we the prime accused under this crime?

accusation: teens are not mature enough....for practically anything!

the truth: do you actually expect a teenager to know stuff very much out of their league and area of expertise and still expect them to enjoy the age they belong to? i mean if teens at 15 and 16 get into stuff like relationship counselling as a career now, when are they supposed to live the years of extreme crazes and fun times???????

accusation: teens are confused. period.

the truth: ummm, confused??? well if that's the case, perhaps the accusers would like to go deeper to the root cause - too much pressure! i mean, if you are actually going to ask the child to widen their horizon into various fields and be the best at it, at a time when they're supposed to make their career choices and plan out the rest of their lives, they're bound to be confused. you cant be a jack of all traits when its time for you to master at least one to suffice your existence.

accusation:teens have erratic mood swings and are not even tempered.

the truth: really? and it does not apply to any other section of society? with the exceptions of sages and perfect people, everyone has this problem. blame it on hormones but we're just growing up people, give us a break!

accusation: teen=mean.

the truth: not all teens are the bad boy and bad girl types yaar! come off it! don't generalise. that's a major problem with all our "society" and it shall be dwelt upon soon....

the biggest myth of all about all of the above: there is a cure.....

myth-buster: WRONGO!!!! absolutely not! though there are members of the teen group who can be found guilty under any of the above or any others but hey, there is no medicine, therapy or counselling that can undo what has built up over the years. its all a phase, we all go through it, it gets over, we're no longer part of it. that's it. the only way to actually get over stuff like this, is let time take its decided action on all of it. we have to just leave it be sometimes and not nag, okay! there are things that cant be talked out, cant be understood, cant be shared and sometimes, the perfect thing to do is leave it be.

to finally let you go from this teen-talk, one cannot predict or chalk out the lives of teenagers, because they are all so different and unique and special. each of us is on the quest for their identity and the time allotted to us is now. so the best thing for anyone other than this person to do is to be patient, calm and supportive but not imposingly so, so as to burden. just for the teen to know that you're there is enough, because believe it or not, we might look like we hate elders, who generously give advice and generally people who fall under such a category, we need you all the same.

a note before i take your leave: this is not an attempt for a teen to shame anyone or anything that counters these statements. this is also not a means of venting out anger of any sort. this was purely a means to get our side of the story across. a humble apology with all my heart to anyone that i have offended.

=D

THE WORLD

2008-11-29T17:05:00.002+05:30

They said to me –
The world is vile
The world is mean
The world is only made of
Hunger and greed

No one is nice
Inside out
No one is really like
What they brag about

No one is innocent
For the innocent are dead
Crimes are on a high and
No one must be trusted

There’s cheaters and liars
And beaters and whiners
There’s no one to hear your plea
Share your sorrow and grief
So they said to me

Through these evils
In the dark and cold
Where the young are slaughtered
And respect is lost for the old
Where being quiet is good
And being right is bold
The world was always this
And may be worse still
But the world is still has its beauty
And there is nowhere else I imagine I would be.

THE DAY BEFORE FREEDOM

2008-11-29T16:49:00.003+05:30

after tomorrow,
there will be no silence heard
no thought unsaid
and no expression unseen

after today,
there will be no tears cried
no fights fought
no bloodshed

after this hour,
there will be no love lost
no wrath not endured
and no sorrow inconsolable

after this minute,
there will be no loss not felt
no gain not rejoiced
and no privilege denied

after now,
we will be young, united,
smart, strong, leading, happy,
helping, loving, caring, sharing,
and finally, free.

(this poem was composed somewhere in september but i had no idea that it would bear so much meaning to me as a person, an Indian and a Mumbaikar today).

-Aakriti Anand

this needs no explaining....

2008-11-27T19:12:00.002+05:30

first there was calm,
there was the joy of a match well won
and then all we knew was the news
of grave damage that was done...

the news is on
but none is good
the situation was out of hand
and that was as good as understood..

it started with some noise
and spells of silence
but the air is filled
to the brim with violence.

innocent lives - lost
brave men ruthlessly killed
all for that island we call our own
everywhere blood is being spilled

i salute the brave soldiers
the hostages and personnel
who are braving this terror attack
and being put through hell...

LETS ALL JOIN HANDS AND PRAY FOR OUR CITY........MUMBAI NEEDS ITS SOUL.....

WOO HOO =D

2008-11-26T17:29:00.002+05:30

the moment demanded this kind of a title.... as part of an initiative by Prithvi Theatre, a lot of 16 of us young individuals from the ages 12 to 18 got published in the ever so cool Prithvi Youth Magazine!!!!!!!

this "work of art" was released on the auspicious CHILDREN'S DAY in the famous prithvi theatre cafe` by the ever so charming Shri Shashi Kapoor and the person who was at the head of it all, Sanjna Kapoor, along with our mentor Ms. Basu!

after 6 whole months of sweat, drafts and toil, we finally have the finished product in our youhtful hands.....the hands that did the writing and the hands that did the tonnes fo re-writing as well!!!

the team was a bunch of really cool people who are great friends and know how to have 'fun' in all the true sense of the word. frankly speaking, we were a damn good lot to begin with!

each piece was so well thought and well-crafted and well everything else! it was the most enriching experience i have ever had in the last 15 and a half years (as of nov 11th)......

i'm going to miss the meeting from 2-4 every saturday and sunday and the whole lot of friends i worked with:
dwijal mehta
rheaa rao
vikrant dhote
mira brunner
sanyukta iyer
damini kane
disha bhanushali
bhakti rathod
sanjana suresh
sooraj bishnoi
sohaila jalali
rithika kumar
varun golani
kabir mantha
kanchana niruttan

thanks to all of you for making this such a lovely 6 month journey.....it'll always be a memorable time to cherish..

and in true Dwijal style, "woo hoo we got published!!!! =D"

woh kaagaz ki kashti, woh baarish ka paani......

2008-11-08T20:28:00.003+05:30

when making the plans for the coming week, one will come across the date 14th November, look at it, jot down the activities for that day and move on. it will be a wonder if one looks at that day and smiles or becomes nostalgic. that day is children's day, for those who refuse to remind themselves of it.

me still being in the category of "children" (reminder:individuals below the age of 18), i remember that Jawaharlal Nehru was born that day and because he loved children, this day celebrates the existence and innocence of children. but many other children think of this day as a mere holiday and let it pass like any other weekend. but need we celebrate the joys of still being a child while it lasts???

the elders may say," why should we bother about children's day?? we're not kids anymore to get excited about such things. besides, we have a billion 'important things' to worry about." but the whole point is just that. we have a billion things rushing through our heads and have forgotten the art of being a kid at heart for just ONE day in our entire year, if not any other time.

we are slowly losing out on what we used to consider as the "good things in life", and when i say 'we' i imply both children and adults. children have forgotten to thank the man who created this day for us and say a little prayer for all the kids out there, and of course have fun! adults have simply moved on from these petty things to the bigger goodies of life, the ones that they think are the essentials today. WRONG.

i truly understand the feelings one goes through when facing such a sermonizing piece of text. but if you don't want to listen to the whole truth from someone else, do yourself a favour and ask yourself this - why do we feel good when we look at kids playing in a park or on the street? why do we go into deep thought when we listen to songs about childhood?? when was the last time we were kids?

the answers are very simple but you have to know them for yourself. we're all letting go of that innocence that made our childhoods so special and memorable. we're giving up what we used to give true importance to at some point in our lives. and for what? the good life? the good life means nothing without that child in you saying, "yes! i finally got what i wanted."

i hope that we all realise (as early as possible) that our childhood is not going to come back. the best-est way to preserve those precious times is to celebrate this one day as much as we want and revisit what we have left behind.

=D

where is the real diwali???

2008-10-31T15:58:00.004+05:30

this year, diwali came and went and no one had a clue of what happened. when we look back on the last week, we dont see anything beyond a few dinners or card parties or maybe a cracker or two for the sake of the festival. maybe even a mithai here and there and that concludes one of India's biggest and most awaited fests of all time. but what was the whole deal behind this?? did we not have time or did we just not care??

i am not anti any sort of stand that anyone is going to take on such an issue. because i also took a stand this time....i stood on the eco-friendly side, because i believe its complete hypocrisy to study environmental education in school and then come home and do your own little bit of distruction...

i mean, this year, diwali in mumbai was the most stone cold of all festivals....agreed diyas and crackers and rangoli were still selling on streets and people were still stuck in traffic jams but the whole lustre of diwali was lost somewhere in the pollution.... the true essence of diwali is lost somewhere....

now the big million dollar question is this - is our new cosmo and practical culture resposible for this traditional loss?? or are we just focussing on what we think are the good things in life???

one may answer this by either choosing sides, being diplomatic or just by observing silence. but deep down we all do know that we're slowly giving up on those childhood memories of running around with a laddoo in each hand or trying to be too cool by lighting a ground wheel or a rocket. i mean, how many of us did our own rangoli or enthusiastically set up the house and bought new clothes??

though we need to take care of the environment (and we will) but we must not let the festive spirit of diwali die. we may not burst fire crackers but we can still enjoy that one day with our families and friends in the best manner possible.

lets take a stand to protect the environment and protect our true culture for thats what life is all about - maintaining balances and doing the right thing....

=D

TILL THE END OF TIME.....

2008-10-24T16:53:00.003+05:30

when you're sleeping or awake, eating or working hard, there are always these moments where you wish well for someone and want them to know you care. it hurts when these special people are hurt, because they mean a lot to you and you then want to be their superman. you dont want anyone or anything to bother them because if it does, that person wont see the light of day!

point being, our care at times exceeds certain bonds, relationships and people. care is not synonymous to relationship. care does not need distinctions or levels. i care for my family not because we are related and its our duty to be there for each other, but because i know that i WANT to be there for them till the end of time. we care for tons of people out there and sometimes we even misuse this word. but the point is that our care makes someone day a better one or brings a smile in a terrible crisis. its an honour to know that you're someone's superman and are going to be there for them because you CARE for them.

be it your friends, family, teachers, colleagues or even the dog in the neighbouring lane, if you truly mean it and care for them, there is nothing that can and must stop you from doing so. sometimes even an embrace or a birthday card or even a get well soon wish show that you care, because you're thinking about their well-being.

i'd just like to tell my friends, family and all the people in my life who make it sooooooo special, i will be there till the end of time..............

=D

book review - "Tuesdays With Morrie"

2008-10-19T16:38:00.008+05:30

“A teacher to the last” - the perfect words to describe him. He was Morrie Schwartz, a college professor who taught the author, Mitch Albom, the subjects of sociology and psychology during his college days. This book was Morrie’s last class which had only one student but many lessons to teach and learn – all this during his last fourteen Tuesdays, which recorded on tape and finally culminated into this one book, that changed millions of lives everywhere.

Mitch forgot the last promise he had made to Morrie on his graduation that he would keep in touch. Sixteen years later, life gave Mitch his last chance to get back what he lost, in the form of an interview on the famous show “Nightline” where he saw his professor once again, but withered. He had fallen prey to ALS (amytrophic lateral sclerosis). Now one could only see Morrie shriveling, losing out on all the little – little things that make one independent. If one could sum up the feelings they had for Morrie when they saw him, it was pity.

But did Morrie feel pity for himself? Morrie never chose to believe that death was a bad thing and he accepted it with open arms. The best example of this acceptance was when Morrie had a mock-funeral in his house and people sang and said nice things about him, which he feared he would not hear through his grave. He met countless people who came to spend time with him – college professors, students, singers, the “Nightline” show crew, friends and family – and these were those who made Morrie’s time more precious for him. Morrie felt lucky that he was dying this way because of the amount of time he had. It was these few lessons of life that he wished to get across to all the people in the world who had succumbed to the money – hungry “culture” of today.

Morrie and Mitch spoke about self – pity, regrets, death, family, emotions, fears of aging, money, love, marriage, culture, forgiveness, a perfect day, and the world at large. And just as the fourteenth Tuesday approached, Morrie and Mitch said their good-byes. Morrie died four days hence.

Not surprisingly, Morrie and Mitch still meet every Tuesday at Morrie’s tombstone. Mitch speaks, Morrie listens and life goes on. This book makes one laugh and cry at various instances and makes one want to finish it in one go. After reading this book, millions have narrated their stories of how it changed their lives for the good. The author has also written “The Five People You Meet In Heaven” which also won similar widespread acclaim.

It is this book about “a young man, an old man, and life’s greatest lesson” that introduced us to Morrie, a teacher everyone would love to have. We all need a teacher in life to guide and support us. I would like to sincerely thank the author for giving me Morrie and possibly the best philosophy each one of us must live by – “love each other or perish.”

its a dog eat dog world

2008-10-18T16:50:00.004+05:30

today for the first time i actually saw what the phrase dog-eat-dog stands for in a corporate circuit. its the worse thing anyone can do to you when they pull you down just for selfish entertainment at your cost or because of insecurity because at certain times when it just gets plain dirty, you have no other option but to retort, which makes you the bad guy in front of practically everyone.

i was doing a presentation based on Nokia in terms of recruitment opportunities and career options. it was actually the first time i had laid eyes on that presentation and i was to do the entire thing so, here goes nothing. my flow (however smooth, suprisingly) was constantly broken by certain colleagues who either wanted to live off my ruin or had questions completely irrelevant to what i was saying. i had to really be ignorant, rude and even loud at times to avoid these constant speedbreakers on my highway to success. but then came the bursting point. i was being asked the same question again and again and it became more pointless after a while because what i was speaking didnt get to anyone and i just became a source of quality entertainment. but there was a voice within me that spoke, in a comforting tone to me and a sarcastic one to the others. another person took over me and i became a very vampish creature who got back at people who asked tactless queries. though i felt pretty thrilled about these retorts as i walked back, amid applause, to my place, while getting home in the rickshaw i felt terrible about it (not apologetic but pathetic) and would have definately done things better if i could.

in the end all i gained from all of this was the fact that everyone is here to pull you down. and if you're fussing about the fact that you have no support system, know that you're the only one who can bring yourself up. after today,i sincerely hope that my career will not lie in such a field where people just need a reason to malign each other.
signing off with the hope to remain sane

=D

i'll be alright...

2008-10-16T19:33:00.004+05:30

ipod - check
headphones - check
new songs - check
mood - double check

i was just about to listen to a recently released song from the movie Dostana. its called Jaane Kyun and i actually wanted to give it a shot seeing the hype around the film and stuff (hope it works).
and the part that got to me the most from the entire song was the chorus which is this:
"jaane kyun,
dil jaanta hai,
tu hai to i'll be alright"......

this made me think....did i really know who this was for?? did i know atleast one friend who i could firmly say that "tu hai to i'll be alright" ??

recently i went through a very pathetic phase and i really needed to talk to someone....i was pretty sick of people telling me the conventional way - "its gonna be fine, you'll be better of.." etc etc.. but i didnt somehow think i needed that. i needed a different sort of approach. a voice which was consoling yet funny, stupid but making great sense. i did find such a person. wont name but i know that that person knows that they're the one here....

but see, the point is that no matter where they are and what they do and whatever nonsense they're going through, they're going to be there for us even though they need someone far more than we do...and you know why that is?? people realise that when they're needed by someone, they're the only ones who can make something better. they are our guardian angels and they'll always be there for us even if they're miles and miles away..

so cheers to all those friends out there for because of you there is someone who is alright in their troubles....

jaane kyun...

oct 9th, 2008

2008-10-09T15:50:00.003+05:30

day 1: thursday, october 9th

i sit here on my table wondering what to write about as my first blog. i've erased around 3 different types of starts and have finally got my foothold. the poem below is not purely a description of me as a person or a voice in my mind, its a description of every single human being, in some way or the other, for we can all identify with one soul. here no social boundaries matter, what matters is the search for a truth behind ourselves....

Me

i cannot who i am,

because i flow in these words of mine

i'm the driving force for my imagination

i'm the consolation in my sorrow.

i'm the hope for every victory of mine

i'm my only assurance for tomorrow.

i'm not the rain, not the sun

i'm not the moonlight in the sky

i'm just a simple but unique girl,

for if i'm not myself, then who am i?

- Aakriti Anand