There comes a time, when life as we know it ends. I heard something to that effect in a movie once. it kind of stuck with me. not because of any special significance, but because i'd kept it on the back burner for this long to sort of try and uncover what that line truly meant to me. I think i finally have an answer.

There are times when the whole world just stops and then, when it restarts after that interlude, you sort of wonder where the time flew, what chanced, where you are now and what the future is. that uncertainty, where you don't know where your life is going, is where the way you knew life has just come to an end.

when you fight, the fight leaves you disoriented for God knows how long. you lose track of where the words went, what each said to the other, who makes it up now, and why you fought in the first place. that just happened to me a few weeks ago and i still cannot let it go. i'm at an utter loss for words, for thoughts and for niceness even, but all without cause. that leaves me blank and i'm probably standing on the dividing line between life as i know it and nothing. i think i'd rather just stay on this line than move anywhere from here. going back doesn't look like an option and moving into nothingness is not something i prefer. probably this is also an end in itself - the end of innocence. the innocence that it'll all be alright someday. the innocence that we're always going to remain friends. maybe that doesn't need to happen all the time. maybe it never happens.

i'm growing up. i kind of have been for a while but this time its a tad bit different and a wee bit difficult. i'm at the threshold of adulthood and childhood. of school and college. of success and failure. and to be honest, i'm scared. not because i may not get what i want or may not be able to achieve my targets, although that is fearful. but i'm scared of the thought that there's a lot i'm going to have to leave behind in the bargain - my school, my friends, my house and even a bit of my edginess. its going to be that place called "the real world out there" that i'll officially gain an entry into. here's truly where life as i know it is ending, and the countdown has begun. maybe i'm ready, maybe i'm not. maybe i'll manage, maybe i won't. but the point is, its going to be over, and i cannot force myself back. here, going back from this line isn't even possible. its an abyss back there. its a one-way escalator that i've got to climb. and lets hope to God that the climb is worth it.

there's no controlling love, affection, hate, loathing. they come and go as they please and sometimes stick around longer than one would like. there's no escape and there's absolutely no turning back. there's tonnes of regrets though. i think the day that you start loving or stop hating a person, or begin loathing and end being affectionate towards someone does life really alter its course. it takes the train to a whole new platform altogether. some of us like being on this trip, others are wondering what we're doing with a ticket in our hands. at this point, i'm liking the trip but i can't quite see the platform. i think my train's still in that dark, deep tunnel, or its still cruising in the night-time through a forest, with no way for me to look out the window and place myself somewhere, for some peace of mind. its tough for someone as impatient as me to sort of deal with this sea of darkness, but i guess that when i reach the platform in the morning, the sun will be out to greet me and i'll probably know where i landed up. for now, the anticipation could either kill me or lull me to sleep. i guess i'll choose the latter. its a happy place to be in, and i do like surprises. again, lets just hope to God that the train doesn't get derailed and push me down another track that i have no clue of. the wait is just too long already...

conclusively, at this point in time, life as i know it is ending in more ways than one. i finally know what those words mean, to me at least. there are boundaries i might be crossing and there are thresholds i'm yet to cross. however odd the circumstances, at this point, all i can think of is, "between dark and day, and night and light, the interim is always confusingly beautiful." i thus leave you, wondering and wandering, wherever you may choose to be.

=D