Knowing Me...

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If I say I'm just a teenager leading a life as normal as it can get, I sort of defy what I stand for. Its not all that easy but it has its moments. I like those moments when they come along and they bring with them a significant amount of emotion, which I only began expressing in words at age 7. Since then, its all about the writing. It gets to certain people and some just don't get it! But I think that its important for me to write because that is maybe the only talent that exists in me [not denying the presence of good enough speech to win a few here and there =P] There is little I know and there is much I simply yap about but I make sure that if its really got to be said, it better be said, however in the wrong or right. I feel much. There are lot of things I plainly observe and those are sort of the things that I adore writing about. I'm inspired by minute details and small things that have a huge impact much later on. There is much more to me that most know and many have bothered not about. Not like I want them to. But I'd like to be known. And that's what I think I stand for, being known beyond what is known. =D

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Expandables, Expendables and Unexplainables...

life to me, as i know it now, has multiple elements that see to its functioning and just make it the colourful canvas that it is and that i shall continue to fill until the paint runs out. but there are 3 words in specific that actually define the 17 years 4 months and 4 days i've lived - expandable, expendable, unexplainable.

what is expandable to me is life itself. the whole saying of "living to the fullest" is to expand every moment to the degree that there is no room for white spaces, filled with things i didn't get the chance to do. i believe that the fibre of the very canvas must be stretched to the limits so that there's more space for more colour. what also shows major expandability is the nature of human relationships. i believe that every relationship is like a tree, complete with potential to grow and beneficial fruit to bear, but it only grows if given the necessary space and care. with every person i know, i want to further our interaction with each passing day, only to the limit that i can, so that i refrain from making any judgments based on any half-knowledge. i would also appreciate likewise behaviour from the other person concerned, but if they feel their canvas is too full of colour and the shade i add doesn't fit into the scheme of things, then i'll just have to be content that i did my part. we need to, at the essence of it, expand our capacity of being humans and learn what is there to learn and incorporate it in whatever way we can, because no kind of knowledge can be useless to an individual.

what is expendable really is the overpowering nature of expectation, doubt, guilt and vice. its easier said than done to really regard these things as expendable and actually avoid falling into their trap. i'm going to blatantly admit this is something i need to learn too and incorporate, as more than one people in my life will vouch for blindly [no offense taken people!]. what is also expendable really is the over exaggerated notion of absolutely anything. certain wants don't have to become needs, and certain emotions can be preserved for when needed the most. these are the white spaces on the canvas, and they must be gotten rid of. this purely because though white is a nice colour to have amid so much vibrance, the white grows on you in a way that after a point, the colour is invisible and each colour seems like a mistake on the canvas. what is also expendable is regret. i believe when you regret something, you negate the influence it had on you and how it made you who you are. even if it made you something that you don't appreciate, regretting it makes it worse because it sets off a chain reaction of regrets about everything you ever did and how it led to that one thing that you regret the most. its quite a sin to make life a scapegoat for a blind spot because we are all human and mistakes are an essential part of life. utopia does not and will not exist. life gets easier once you admit that.

what is unexplainable is too much. also because i haven't lived long enough to explain enough. i know much about very little, and little about way too much. i'd like to keep it that way and not forcefully try to explain something that hasn't ever happened to me and try and decipher someone else's canvas. each canvas is different, and it means and shows different things to different people. by trying to be an art critic, you might end up losing the emotion that the canvas of your own life conveyed to you. and that's dangerous. what is primarily unexplainable to me is love. love for my friends, love in my relationships, love that holds higher connotations and love that i share with my family and my mentors. there exist many a silence in some of my conversations and some are made up of endless venting out from either or both sides. i've learned to respect both these sides because that is how i believe i can truly do justice to the love they have for me. even in the blows i've received with respect to this love are special to me and surprisingly, do not reduce my love for the person in question. and that is unexplainable to me. and frankly, i believe that life should have that element of unexplained things because that mystery, that eagerness to discover and the wonder in the small details of life only arises out of this. that being lost, everything is lost.

as i end [finally, for those who cannot bear to read at length], i know i've bared most of my soul to your mind and eyes, because i have shared today what i have taken weeks to absorb, learn and simplify. life's canvas has hopefully more space for my art and lets hope that i can expand the space, expend what inhibits me and always have an unexplained portion of me that i can continue to discover with each stroke. and hopefully, you shall still continue to lend your shades to me, without which, there's too much white for me to cover.