Knowing Me...

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If I say I'm just a teenager leading a life as normal as it can get, I sort of defy what I stand for. Its not all that easy but it has its moments. I like those moments when they come along and they bring with them a significant amount of emotion, which I only began expressing in words at age 7. Since then, its all about the writing. It gets to certain people and some just don't get it! But I think that its important for me to write because that is maybe the only talent that exists in me [not denying the presence of good enough speech to win a few here and there =P] There is little I know and there is much I simply yap about but I make sure that if its really got to be said, it better be said, however in the wrong or right. I feel much. There are lot of things I plainly observe and those are sort of the things that I adore writing about. I'm inspired by minute details and small things that have a huge impact much later on. There is much more to me that most know and many have bothered not about. Not like I want them to. But I'd like to be known. And that's what I think I stand for, being known beyond what is known. =D

Friday, January 13, 2012

Fear Of The End

[This is rather long, so please bear with me. If you're tagged, you're meant to read this. If you're not tagged and you've read this, know that the fact that its as public as it is on facebook, you mean something to me and hence you can read it for yourself too. love =) ]

Much has gone down over the last few years. Life, death, and a lot in between. And this very "eventful" last year has left me with a niggling fear instead of a glowing hope. The fear of death.

A couple of my friends know about this, because they're the friends I'm scared to lose. The fact that I've decided to put this out in cyberspace is possibly the most vulnerable I've ever been in my writing. And this decision arises plainly out of the basic premise of my fear.

"And if your plane fell out of the skies, who would you call with your last goodbye?" These lyrics by The Script are what started it a couple of years ago. No, it didn't scare me shitless about flights but it scared me down to my core about dying an untimely death. And this is my major fear - the fear of dying most unexpectedly. A lot of movies supported this. A lot of books added to it. A lot of real life made it concrete - anything can happen and it'll happen when I'm least ready for it.

I live away from my home now. I only go back once in 2 or 3 months and stay only for about 2 weeks at the max. When I'm away from them my only scare is whether I told thme emough that I love them? Did I fight with them too much? Did I make the most of the time I had? And what if I don't survive by the time its time again to meet them?

When I'm with my friends who, like me, are away to study, hugs get a few seconds longer, togetherness becomes paramount and I don't even mind travelling for a whole day just to see 5 people for 25 minutes. But every time I leave, I look back to see them one more time because that may be the only time I may ever get. Maybe one more memory will be made that I'll never get to share.

My street play director, Devika, says "Make memories guys! I'm going to pass out!" We may just meet after she graduates but this also might be the only time we get to know each other, or for that matter, everyone else on the street play cast. All my classmates, especially Adrita, Turni, Yashaswini, Nishtha, Aashita, Chiara, Pallavi and my hostel friends, Avanika, Arpita, Moitryee, Vrinda, Prashanti, Sareba, Roshini, Anagha, Tanya, and my friends in the other section, Raksha, Arunima, and other courses of the college, and almost about everyone else. I may not meet them again because I'll be gone one fine day. My teachers, from nursery to college, from Bangalore to Bombay to Delhi. My seniors. My juniors. The support staff at every institution I've been to. I've entered so many domains that I'm lucky to have seen in such a short time, but instead of being just plain thankful, I'm only fearinga  death that is knocking on my mind's door.

I think of people who've touched my life. Ateev, Aeiman, Karan, Aditi, Parth, Tejaswini, Malvika, Tarika, Tanushree, Mugdha, Megha, Bubla, Bhargavi, Vikrant, Ajit, Sach, Archit, Ruchira, Dhrupad, Kritank, Shrey, Rushil, Deepika, Jade Miss, Sultan sir, Jayshree ma'am, and a couple of people from the list above. I think of the fall outs I've had with some of them that have ended the short stints of our friendships. I am saddened by that because I will have died not having fixed something that was ruined. I think of some of the best memories I've shared with any one and everyone of them. I want to just tell them that I love them and care for them with all my heart and I wish them well with their long and fulfilling lives. I revere and respect some of them and all of them on various levels. I'm glad that I could feature in their lives and they could make up huge chapters in mine. If this is the last thing I ever write of such a nature, I hope they'll all read it and know just how much I thank them for their contributions to my life.

And then, finally, I think of my writing. I've shared quite a bit of what I've written and I've poured my heart out [evidently]. Some of it is still undiscovered. I wish I could write more and as much as I can before I die. Its equitable to the amount of love I still have to give. I wish I could just give it all in one shot, but that takes time. I wish for my epitaph to read, "The best never came." Not arrogantly, but apologetically so, because no matter how open-headed I am when it comes to expression, I can never fully give every inch of my being and my thinking. 

At the end of it all, if I go tomorrow, I'm just glad I could get this out today. And if I don't, I'll read this everyday till the end comes and answers my fears as positively as can be. This piece was not written to garner any kind of sympathy or any consolation, or seek any sort of attention. This is just me, holding up my biggest fear in front of me and hoping to do everything I can before it gets to me.

Weird World

My friend's status read "its you against the world and all of its weird ways. Always." Not only did his words ring true with each syllable i read but it reminded me of all the weirdness in my world. A lot of it is secret, some of it is not worth discussing and all of it is thought provoking. Not all weirdness is cherishable. I can look back fondly at classroom jokes and random dancing on the lamest song possible and smile. Some of my friends are the kings and queens of weird and their quirks crack me up and make me miss them at every random instance. But some things don't quite click. Some weird things only irk and bother me. And for those i am sad. I mourn the loss of the frivolous and innocent notions of weirdness.

There are people who will tell you that more often than not, action and intention are separate entities. They are meant to be treated and understood independent of each other. But when it comes to the weirdness of the world we live in, or the world we create for ourselves, action and intention are merged. You can never tell them apart. It'll tear you up trying to make the distinctions but you'd rather lose your sanity than lose your joy trying to set apart two things that were one to begin with. You want to find the good in it. You can't. You want to stake claims, blame who's wrong and preserve what's right. But what is it worth in the end? You against the world is still the equation. No possible addition, deletion, exemption or redemption can change that. Its you. On your own. Its never pretty. Never easy. But you'd rather be that than be the weirdness that can change all equations and reduce you to a delirium that is unending. 

My friend is right. This is always.