Clarity...

When one goes to get themselves a pair of spectacles, the eye-test consists of lens combinations being changed around depending how clear you can see out of them. Wipers on a windscreen of a car only exist so that when it rains, you can wipe off the distracting droplets and clearly see the road ahead. Concepts aren't understood unless they're crystal clear. Where, I ask, does this lead us? It only leads me to believe that unless and until something doesn't have a certain amount of clarity, it doesn't work for us.

In viewing how clarity makes us more comfortable with the new adjustment we have to make, the concept of clarity is actually, in my understanding, the basis of all human relationships. Unless we're clear about the relationship and what it means to us, we cannot develop the right degree of trust, love, understanding and sacrifice. If I am unclear about where I stand in any bond, I'm not going to be able to do full justice to it or even take it forward from where it is.

Between friends, clarity is what can make them stronger and more together. Between parent and child, the clarity brings them both round to each other's point of view, which is needed because misunderstandings there cause only hurt, and no happiness. Between siblings, its important to be clear about how they are with each other. The reason why my brother and I are as together as we are or understand each other the way we do, is because we both are equally sure of where we stand in each other's lives. Sure we have our altercations, but those also are not without the understanding of where the other person comes from.

Between those in love, it is perhaps the most important thing. I cannot sustain a relationship that is not clearly defined for me. Not saying that everything needs to have boundaries, or demarcations, but everything does need to be clear. It needs to be all there, or not at all. I've had to be in situations where because I wasn't clear in my head about where I wanted to be, the other person and I suffered the consequences because we were not clear about what we wanted, and hence couldn't be fully honest with each other.

A few years after that incident happened [details of which are unimportant], fate played a funny trick and I was in the same situation again. Amazingly enough, I learned that unless I came clean and clearly explained everything that was in my head and heart, I wouldn't get an honest response on the other end. And I did, because I was clear about where I was going which generated a level of trust and acceptance. And I'm glad that it happened the way it did because despite the hurt, I know that I'm not hanging in mid-air, in limbo, without reason enough to believe in any side of the story.

At the end of the day, it is only fair to someone that you are completely clear about your stance. Not stubborn, but clear. Only if someone else can understand your point, can feel what you do, and can see what you see, will they be able to reciprocate. Remember, unless you see the picture clearly, the glasses just aren't right.

=D

Crying It Out...

A tear is such a powerful thing that exposes even the most internalised weakness, or strength. it isn't a mere drop of salty water, but a carrier for all anger, frustration, failure, and sometimes even love and joy and pride. Its silence betrays even the deepest emotion, its motion slow enough to let the pain sink in.

Its no mystery that we can cry, and some of us [me included] tend to do so more than others. We cry at the movies, in loss, in pain and sometimes, even in sheer happiness. Each tear seals a reason, revealed or not. But have you ever cried without knowing why? Ever begun sobbing so violently, but without any catalyst? I know I have. There are times when I cry, without cause. Each part of me just yearns to find out why, but I never do.

Some times, the vulnerability and security of being in the arms of someone you love just makes you let out each tear that had been preserved for a better reason. The comfort is all it takes for one to pour their heart out, even if literally so. There are times when I long to do just that - just hug someone and cry to my heart's content, and let silence do its deed. There are times where I could just grab a friend and tell them, 'cry it out. It wouldn't hurt', because I understand how they feel just then. But then again, our inhibitions, and more often than not, our brains, stop us from doing so. Wonder what we're saving up these moments of togetherness in wellness and otherwise for?

But today on, I will tell myself that its ok to do that. Its ok to just hold onto someone and weep for as long as it takes for it to pass. And its ok to help someone do the same. Maybe they're like me, looking for the right time, right place and right person to drop their guard in front of. But I guess the tears know when to flow. They know when its time to barge through the floodgates and let everything out. And for once, I'll agree with them, and just cry it out.

=)

Over time, I've learned that as human beings, attachment is really important to us. We hold on to even the clumsiest threads that binds us to a person, and often we easily let go of strong ropes that join us to another person, only because they make cuts into our skin as we struggle to keep it together. This careless ease with which we handle our attachments is more selfish than anything else because we feel that we'd never be devoid of love if we ever needed or wanted it.

Only recently, I have begun to question the level this attachment can go to. Is it possible that some ties grow stronger in an insignificant amount of time? Can someone's one time concern become so habitual for us that we refuse to see beyond it? Do you, honestly asking, have someone who is so special to you that even the deepest cuts from holding on don't deter you, even if the other has already let go?

The question is not why we're still holding on, but what is it on the other side of the line that we don't want to let go of? A friend, a lover, a parent, a sibling, or love lost? Letting go isn't as great a part of us as attachment is. But what about the fear of letting go surpasses the pain of holding on? I know, for one, that the reason I find it hard to let it go is because if I do, I'm never too sure of whether I'll get a chance to pick it up again, or whether the person on the other side is going to care even an ounce to make sure that I hold on no matter what. And I, for one, also know that the reason why I continue to hold on, beyond pain, beyond hurt, and beyond normalcy, is because as I hold on, with each iota of determination I put into it, it will have some meaning some day for someone at the end of the line. If nothing else, the pain only makes me stronger and immune enough to handle lesser or greater pain, whatever the bond.

I'm unafraid to admit that I have some bonds that I'm holding on to despite the lashes on my hands. I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm still afraid to let go. But I'm sure that as long as I'm holding on, I feel stronger and I feel happier in the knowledge that I have someone to think about at the end of the day, who gives me the courage to hold on. And if nothing else, if you're reading and have been afraid so far, you're unafraid to be strong.

=)

What's Worse?

Pain is inevitable. Whatever the form. Be it physical, mental, emotional [which some will argue is also mental, but never mind] or just pain. When I talk of pain, the word pain is usually associated with some sort of violence, or some sort of medical procedure. And more often than not, its the latter, considering I haven't had a good fight in a while [not to worry, there is no hidden demon waiting to be unleashed.]

Its funny how certain times, certain things are supposed to hurt more than others. For some, its painful to receive a physical blow, while others seem to hate the violence of emotional conflict, leaving them scarred for life. One would assume that when I got my tattoo done [to refresh your memory, its a 1" by 1" Yin Yang a little lower than the nape of my neck] , it hurt like crazy! Its quite the first question that someone asked me when I told them about this development, "Did it hurt?/How badly did it hurt?" Disappointingly for most, it didn't hurt at all. I felt only an initial pang of nerves, but then it was smooth-sailing. There could be reasons for that - 1. The tattoo artist was extra careful [which he totally was =)] 2. The area isn't that sensitive 3. I was strong enough to bear it. Coolly enough, they're all true to a very large extent. So basically that expectation of pain, that anticipation, was shattered for most, including me!

Even funnier than that is that time where things cause way more pain that they intend to or that they are expected to cause. Like the day before yesterday. I was scheduled for a blood test early in the morning and the person was to come home for collection, and so she did. When she yanked the needle out of the sterilized covering it was packed in, I was mortified. Not scared, not nervous, but mortified. My mother turns to me, and asks - "why are you so scared? you got a tattoo done didn't you? and you're scared of a 5 second poke of a needle?!!" I only said "yes." Purely because there's a vast difference in being drawn on by a continuously rotating needle and being poked by a needle which is held there with a tremendous amount of pressure.

Therefore, at the end of the day, no matter how many tough things one may do, no matter how many hard fights one may have, even the smallest things can put the fear of i-don't-know-what into everyone. And funnily, at the end of the day, fear can be inspiring, as it has been for me - to start writing again. Good bye writer's block and hello life!

=D

Books and Movies, I and Why...

I'm an avid reader, or at least I like calling myself that. I've read a lot and have been reading since forever. The same can be said for movies in my context. If there were ever and exam on movies, according to my mum, I'd ace it. At least the Hindi movies section. Anyhow, there are times when these two loves of mine come together and create something. Something known as book-inspired movies. Notable examples that I have watched - P.S. I Love You, the Harry Potter Series, Princess Diaries, Memoirs of a Geisha, The Namesake, 127 Hours, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and many more.

For a while now, there has been a steady argument that floats around as to why a filmmaker must take up a book or its story and, more often than not, RUIN IT??? *attach agonized expression here*

For years I have heard friends and others ran about the terrifying brutality with which the book has been stripped of its original charm and how badly represented, made and cast it is. For years I have either remained unavailable for comment or voiced a minor "yeah, i think so". But now, it seems to have hit me that I actually enjoy the movie versions of books and also don't mind them being different from their parent books.

The primary reason to any of this has to be the fact that we don't read illustrated books. Our mind's eye must visualise each detail to imbibe the true flavour of the book and each scene or chapter. When this very book, whether easy or hard to picturise, when turned into a movie, is a representation of a universal visualisation. I like being able to look at a scene in a movie and go "thats exactly how I imagined it'd look!" The vastness of the description by authors like Roald Dahl and JK Rowling, among others, after a point in time needs a visual representation that one can look at and marvel at.

The second reason being that some times, when there are certain details that have been introduced, they add a fresh flavour to the original plot. It makes me go "wow" instead of "yeah, its exactly like that. *yawn* " Case in point - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
When certain details are removed or changed around for audience appeal, I'm one of those audiences that it ends up appealing to because its a fresh take on what exists and probably gets rid of unnecessary details. Also, for people who've not bothered to read the book, its a relief really. Case in point - P.S. I Love You.

And finally, why I actually enjoy these movies. That's purely because I've acquired the ability to be able to detach myself from the meaning of the book to me and look at the movie as a spin on the book, which still is a separate work of art. I don't need a replica of the book at all stages because I'd rather just read the book again and again for that. And if I constantly liken the book to its movie, I risk being disappointed. I don't like that option, because then it puts me off movies, which is not cool [extremist that I am].

Case in Point - HP Series, and the Princess Diaries series.

Books have their own charm at the end of the day. A movie doesn't really help vocabulary, or give you a good smell from every frame [for those who smell books, you know what I'm talking about ;) ]. Movies have the ability of superior visual appeal and that works for someone with the hunger for an audio/visual depiction of creative excellence. Owing to the fact that they are two separate disciplines, they are as equal to me as two eyes of mine

=)

(Untitled)

I want to be loved because of anything,

but I want to love despite everything.

I want to run, skip, jump and fly

but I want my love forever nigh.

I want to feel the waves of air

Fleeing from above me, from everywhere,

but I want to hold on to every breath,

even as I swim to the deepest of depths.

I want to soar, to break out

but as I do, I want to yell, scream and shout.

I want to be engulfed by silence

Shut out by every full-feeling sense.

I want to keep, to possess, to own

I want no time to bemuse and bemoan.

yet I want to let go, be free

Have nothing to grasp, nothing restraining me.

I want to feel real for as long as I can

yet live in far off fairy-lands

I want to be loved, for anything that may be

So I may want to love the one who loves me...

=D

A Bond I Cherish...

As girls in general go, stereotypically speaking, I don't qualify as an out-and-out girl. And as the process of making close friends goes, my friends usually lie on the other side of the gender fence. I've always found it a easier task, and hence a choice, to find lasting friends in the male race, as it were. This probably owing to two facts - one, that I've always studied in a co-ed set up so far, and two, that I'm the only girl and the youngest child in my family, thus making it mandatory that I mingle with boys, men and the like.

This major part of my characteristic behaviour contributes to both harm and good in this department. I've ended up being confronted with the dividing line between "friends" and "something else" quite a few times. I dealt with it foully a few times, and a few cherished falls later, I've risen above to a different understanding. One of those times has been now, and his level of understanding has only made me wiser, if nothing else.

He's a friend, and something else, but he's a friend and nothing else. We've only really gotten to know each other through the last two years, being in the same school and having been thrown into situations with ease. At first glance, he's in-your-face, serious, confident, unconcerned and at times, annoying. It took me three long months to realise that I was judging him based on an exterior created by circumstance, experience, intelligence and practicality. He still can come across as he did at first glance, but he's mostly funny, smart, understanding and downright honest! He can't mince his words even if he tried, because he likes to keep it simple.

We've fought tonnes, even tried not talking to each other. But I guess sometimes, you need a few time tested trials to ascertain that this friend and/or something else is for keeps. But there again was that dividing line, that question - is he just a friend? can he be more? do I want him to be more than he is? does he want me to be more than I am?

Knowing his honesty and [mostly] non-judgmental air, I told him about what I was thinking. We hypothesized tonnes and finally reached a conclusion that pretty much altered my perception of anything like this in the future, and anything like this that is in the past. We're friends for each other, and can be more, and will be if there is a time that warrants that, but for now, we'd rather have this happy place where we feel pure admiration for each other, without having to label it as a relationship. We're both smart enough to understand that time where neither or both of us would feel the need to expand into a whole new domain. And neither would sever ties as friends even if we fell out of love, as it were, because, like he says [and I quote] "a friendship not strong enough to stand the fact that one has started liking the other isn't worth having in the first place."

He's just the same each day, I remain the same each day, with only a tad bit more respect for him and myself. Our friendship has remained, if not grown stronger. He's still special to me. I still mean something to him. And that's how it stands. He has taught me a few things, he learns a few here and there from me, and that's how we want it, for now. Whether we go anywhere from here or not doesn't tickle me, because this point where we're at right now is rare and something that I'd be a fool to mess up!

They say that two people of the opposite sex find it hard to be friends for long. If confronted with this a few years ago, I'd agree. Wholeheartedly. At that point, my own experience convinced me that the grey area cannot exist. Life is wholly black and white. Today, after a few years of learning, living and loving, I couldn't disagree more.

=D